The Secret of Old Age

gravestone

Mrs Doris Pemberton recently revealed the secret of her longevity on the occasion of her hundred and twenty-fourth birthday.

"Well now, you see, I've always thought that the best way of staying alive is 'not to die'. My feeling is that if you go and let yourself die, then you're just asking for trouble, frankly.

"Oh, I have my critics, of course: people have said to me that this is pretty thin, as far as fitness regimes go, and as a philosophy it's quite unhelpful. But then, I'm still here, aren't I? Living proof, you might say."

78% Valium

Mrs Pemberton, who was recently found to be 78% Valium, has been studied by doctors from all over the world, most of whom concur that she has not yet died. They are at a loss to explain her great age, but have proffered the opinion that 'it's probably a virus.'

Mrs Pemberton, meanwhile, has no time for the medical profession. She has been happily ignoring their advice, chomping through sixty cigarettes a day and smoking anything up to sixteen pints of beer.

Determination, willpower and shortbread

It's all about determination, willpower and shortbread," she said. "But you can't live in a bubble, can you? All my friends made that mistake. Too busy concentrating on staying alive, they didn't notice they were dead till it was too late."

Mrs Pemberton died early yesterday morning in the freezer section of her local supermarket.


Return to Archive 1

The Annual 2018

FREE!

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

Download PDF Version

Read online

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

Promo Image

Massive Maracas

Mexican village attempts massive maracas record.

Promo Image

Exploding Dinners

From the good people at Funmeals.

Promo Image

How to Beat Stress

Maisy Donnington brings your blood pressure down.

Promo Image

Liposuction

A new approach to fat removal.

Promo Image

Domestic Eclipse

Man Blames European Space Agency

Promo Image

What is Soil Made Of?

If mountains are made of rocks and oceans are made of rain, what is soil made of?

 

Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

Latest blog entries...

22 December 2017: How to Look After Your Cement Mixer

21 December 2017: Evening Classes at The University of the Bleeding Obvious

20 December 2017: A Ding-Dong over Duvets