An enduring and popular theory about the Bakestone duck creature is the idea that it is of extra-terrestrial origin - the so-called ADH, or Alien Duck Hypothesis. And no one has proven to be a more enthusiastic supporter of this explanation than Derek Shatner.
Shatner perhaps has more claim to be an expert in the phenomenon than most, having lived and worked in the area for some time. Disappointingly, he has never seen the creature himself, despite many a long moonlit vigil out on the empty hillsides surrounding the town. Nevertheless, he has frequently taken the opportunity to interview witnesses, often to the point where he is considered a nuisance. As a result of his tireless researches he is now in no doubt that the creature is not of earthly origin, but hails from another world, far out in the depths of the cosmos. And what's more, he believes he can prove it.
For some time now, Shatner has been collecting droppings from areas where the mutant duck has been seen, and he now has an extensive collection of local shit. He regularly sends samples to the nearby university for analysis, and they regularly send it straight back with a note asking him politely to keep his shit to himself.
Even so, Shatner has been able to draw some fascinating conclusions. The so-called 'space duck', whilst demonstrating a remarkable resemblance to our familiar Earth ducks, is a vastly superior creature. Studies of its habits indicate great powers of reasoning and a fierce intelligence, and its disinclination to float around on ponds and peck at scraps of bread implies that it may have very specific motives.
However, Shatner is convinced that this particular specimen landed on our planet by mistake. He has determined that it arrived in a fiery space podule, which crashed here about twelve years ago, possibly after becoming separated from some giant space battlefleet. Since this time it has been going about the business of reconnaissance and basic survival, initially with a view to one day being able to rejoin its fleet.
Until now, that is. Shatner claims that its recent period of activity signals a significant change in the creature's objectives. He asserts that the space duck intends to employ alien mind control techniques to enslave mankind, and then utilise the planet's molten core to turn Earth into a giant nuclear death ray thing. It will then be able to use our world as a powerbase from which to strike at the heart of its enemies - most probably space geese, whom Shatner believes to be the natural rivals of space ducks.
Shatner is currently looking for a publisher for his book 'The Duck Imperative', in which he sets out his fantastic ideas in greater detail. In the meantime he continues to make regular appearances on late night TV programmes and radio phone-ins, where he never tires in his quest to warn mankind of the approaching disaster. And viewers and listeners are frequently amazed - not just by the extent of Shatner's theory, but also by the fact that he somehow managed to deduce all this from duck shit.
Campaigning for the abolition of Tuesdays.
Taking potato printing to a new level.
Power tools hidden in confectionery.
An unprecedented increase of violence in cake shops
with Derek the Fact Crab
Y'know, wouldn't it be just awesome to be able to fly, or be invisible or have like superpower x-ray vision, or something?
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