This week: Chilli Con Carne

Take 100g of mushrooms, wash thoroughly to remove any remnants of manure and chop finely, together with one large onion grown in synthetic fertiliser and sprayed with pesticide.

Fry with approximately two tablespoons of irradiated vegetable oil until soft.

Next add 500g of minced beef from cattle fed on a diet of rotten vegetables, minced sheep and each other (this may also contain quantities of bone, slurry and faecal material, to taste).

Continue to fry for a further five minutes then add a tin of genetically re-engineered tomatoes containing traces of mercury.

Finally, open a 400g tin of kidney beans soaked in phosphates and various industrial by-products. Add this to the mixture and boil, being careful to pick out any insect bodies or eggs as they rise to the top.

If you still feel hungry, serve on a bed of bleached rice.