French Polishers

The arrest last week of French polisher, Mr Simon C. Horn, for interfering with a client's coffee table is just the latest in a series of high profile scandals that have rocked the industry.

Said Mr Horn, "I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't help myself. There was something about the heady aroma of the polish and the dusty atmosphere of the shop that I found simply intoxicating. The sight of Mrs Waverley's table just sitting there, waiting for me... the lustrous sheen of the veneer, the shapely curve of its legs... I just had to have it!"

Precautions

A police spokesman assured the public that whilst this was just an isolated incident, they would be wise to take precautions when trusting their furniture to the care of strangers.

"There's a lot of sick bastards out there," he said. "So try not to let your wardrobe go out unattended, and, if possible, ensure your sideboard is back indoors before 10pm."

He latter added, strictly off the record, that he thought Mrs Waverley's coffee table was probably asking for it.

 

Table

 

Return to Archive 2

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2018 The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

InstagramFacebookTwitter
Promo Image

Brick II

The latest in home entertainment

Promo Image

Jars-4-u

We open your jars for you!

Promo Image

Oven Chimps

Tasty and nutritious!

Promo Image

Pixie Guard

Eradicate the Misery of Pixies

Promo Image

Standard British Nuns

A spotters guide.

 

Standard British NunsTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator

Latest blog entries...

20 February 2020: How Long is a Piece of String?

18 February 2020: The Beaufort Scale

17 December 2019: We're Recruiting...