Derek the Fact Crab lives on the beach, one beady eye trained on the land, and one beady eye trained on the water. Derek is a happy crab, and sees many things. He knows about all the creatures that crawl upon the shore, that burrow in the sand and live among the dunes. He knows about the things that swim beneath the waves, that hide beyond the reef and stroll along the ocean bed. He even knows about the things that wheel about the sky, that flit from tree to tree and glide upon the breeze.
And he knows about lobsters. To be precise, he knows three things about lobsters, for they are his kith and kin. And so we went to see Derek the Fact Crab and plied him with expensive wines, and splendid cigars, and cheese and onion crisps, in the hope that he might divulge this information. And Derek was more than happy to oblige.
Here are Derek the Fact Crab's Lobster Facts:
Lobster Fact 1:
Contrary to popular belief, Lobsters cannot squeal as they have no vocal chords. In order to communicate they employ a system of Morse code, which they generate by rhythmically clacking their claws.
Lobster Fact 2:
A lobster's shell is made out of a unique alloy of titanium and lead, and is resistant to most forms of attack, up to and including a thermonuclear strike. Scientists believe that it evolved this extraordinary ability at the end of the cretaceous period, when it was preyed upon by dinosaurs armed with depleted uranium rocket grenades.
Lobster Fact 3:
Lobsters can travel at speeds in excess of 150 mph, thanks to rocket propelled jet skis that can be lowered from discretely placed flaps along the undersides of their bodies. This makes them very difficult to catch, as they can outrun most things and present a difficult target for even the most experienced marksman. In fact, the only way you're likely to lay your hands on one is to creep up on it from behind when it stops to refuel. It won't hear you, because the constant roar of its rocket engines will have rendered it deaf. And it won't be able to see you, because its thick armour plating means it's unable to twist around and look over its shoulder.
Derek, of course, does not know everything. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! And while we take every precaution to avoid presenting erroneous data, there remains the slim possibility that some of these carefully researched and independently verified lobster facts may be bollocks. We must therefore point out that we here at The University of the Bleeding Obvious cannot be held responsible for any accidents, misadventures, legal actions or social faux pas resulting from information gleaned from this item. Hey, you start hanging around with lobsters and, quite frankly, you deserve everything you get, you sick bastard. Thank you.
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