Operation Scorched Earth

Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news following the introduction of his latest radical anti-crime initiative.

"We've experienced a sharp increase in burglaries during the past couple of years," the Chief Inspector told us. "Hello, yes? Well, these naughty chappies have been breaking into people's houses and having it away with their valuables, don't you know. Well, we can't be having that - not if they're not prepared to cut us in. So that's why we here in the Essex constabulation have initiated Operation Scorched Earth."

Crime prevention

The emphasis of Operation Scorched Earth is on crime prevention rather than detection. Householders are invited to take their property down to their local police station, where trained crime prevention officers will carefully note down serial numbers and distinguishing features, mark the item with a special ultraviolet pen, then incinerate it will a heavy duty flame thrower.


"The idea behind Scorched Earth is that if you remove the temptation, you remove the likelihood of crime," the Chief Inspector explained. "Thank you, yes? You see, your criminal type is a smart fellow. He's not going to waste time and energy breaking into your house if he knows your stereo's been reduced to a pile of ashes. Oh no - the street value of a bag of ashes is practically nothing. We know this, because we've done a survey."

Remarkable success

The operation has so far proved to be a remarkable success, slashing the number of burglaries in the area. So successful, in fact, that the Chief Inspector plans to extend the scheme for another six months.

"We're not going to rest until we have completely eliminated the threat of burglaration from our streets," he told us. "Or at least, not until we've come to some sort of arrangement regarding percentages, anyway. Thank you very much."

Return to Archive 3

The Annual 2018


The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

Download PDF Version

Read online

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...



Promo Image

The Thoroughfare of Success

by Dick Smidgin (BA) - Motivational Keynote Speaker

Promo Image


Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!

Promo Image

Pretty Pictures

Keeping senior management out of trouble with colouring books.

Promo Image

Belicose Pork

Feral Sausages and malignant pork pies.

Promo Image

Extreme Dinosaurs

Coming Soon

Promo Image

The Licepummeller

Knock 'em for six


Extreme DinosaursTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs


Latest blog entries...

22 December 2017: How to Look After Your Cement Mixer

21 December 2017: Evening Classes at The University of the Bleeding Obvious

20 December 2017: A Ding-Dong over Duvets

Copyright ©