Most Wanted

The UK's most notorious villains.

Mr Barry Sandwich

No. 27 Barry Sandwich

Aliases: Barry Butty, Barry Sarnie, Chopper

Distinguishing Features: Scar on left cheek. Mole on Chin. Fat arse.

Barry Sandwich began his career in crime when he broke a tooth on a dodgy burger that he got from a van on the A2.

Since then he has sworn deadly revenge on the catering trade, a ceaseless campaign of terror funded by armed robbery, counterfeiting, extortion, blackmail and the occasional spot of gardening at the weekends.

Detectives almost caught him during a summer season at Cleethorpes, when he was doing a memory man act under the stage name of 'Zygos the Munificent'. It later emerged that this was merely a cover story, and Barry was actually plotting to steal the Post Office Tower by smuggling it out of the country disguised as a yucca plant.

The plot was foiled when customs officials smelled a rat and contacted the flying squad. Apparently, the sight of a 620 foot yucca plant raised a few eyebrows, but wasn't considered particularly suspicious until someone noticed the revolving restaurant at the top.

Status: Still at large and considered extremely dangerous, although highly recommended if anyone needs their privet trimming.

Mr Barry Sandwich

No. 42 Keith Hoople

Aliases: Mr Hoople

Special Powers: A foul temper and an annoying wife.

Mr Keith Hoople works in the planning department of Surrey County Council, is vice president of the Leatherhead and District Amateur Bowls Club and is a former neighbour of the Chief Inspector of Surrey Police.

Mr Hoople first came to the attention of the police when the Chief Inspector asked us to 'sort him out' following a dispute over an overhanging laburnum tree. Mr Hoople had persistently failed to respond to requests to deal with this, prompting the Chief Inspector to take the matter into his own hands and disintegrate the offending tree with a quantity of plastic explosive that had been confiscated from a militant faction of the Women's Institute the previous week.

Mr Hoople claimed that the practice of explosive gardening was contrary to a local bylaw, and lodged a complaint with the council.

Surrey Police felt that positive action might persuade Mr Hoople to withdraw the grievance, and so we blew up his dog. This failed to have the desired effect, and encouraged Mr Hoople to sue us to recover the costs of having bits of dog professionally cleaned from his front windows.

On the advice of our solicitor we settled out of court.

Current status: Mr Hooper remains at large, and is believed to be armed and extremely litigious.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2015

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