No Offence

The Right Honourable David McGog, MP for Shepton Bassett, has once again been in the news after apparently insulting one of his parliamentary colleagues.

University of the Bleeding Obvious:

Mr McGog, you were recently criticised for referring to one of your fellow MPs as a 'contemptible sack of porcine discharge'. Do you now regret those comments?

McGog:

Certainly I find it deeply regrettable that my comments were so horrendously misconstrued. I have made it quite clear, and I shall repeat myself again, that I did not in any way intend any offence by those words.

UBO:

Really? It seems that the meaning is quite unambiguous. I doubt that there is any other interpretation you could place on the phrase you used.

McGog:

I disagree. Oh, I can see how someone with a particular agenda might wilfully misinterpret what I said, once the words are taken out of context. But to most people I think my meaning is quite clear, you snivelling streak of piss.

UBO:

I beg your pardon?

McGog:

I was saying that it's easy to misinterpret -

UBO:

Never mind about that! You called me a snivelling streak of piss!

McGog:

Ah yes, but in a nice way. I meant no offence, dickhead.

UBO:

What do you mean you meant no offence? And I suppose calling me a dickhead is just a compliment as well, is it?

McGog:

They're just words. I don't mean anything by them. Just let it go, shit-for-brains.

UBO:

Who are you calling shit-for-brains?

McGog:

Oh for crying out loud, it's just a figure of speech. You people really wind me up. Here, see if this helps.

UBO:

Urgghph! Hey, what did you do that for?

McGog:

I didn't do anything.

UBO:

You just punched me in the face!

McGog:

Calm down. That wasn't a punch; that was just a friendly tap. I'm a very tactile person, you see.

UBO:

But you hit me!

McGog:

I didn't hit you. Look, this is hitting you.

UBO:

Oooof!

McGog:

Whereas this is just a playful slap.

UBO:

Urrghoof!

McGog:

You see, where's the problem in that? People get far too touchy about these kinds of things. For instance, if I was to kick you in the trouser department, like this.

UBO:

Aaaaaarrrrrrgh!

McGog:

You'd probably bleat about that being, what, assault maybe? I thought so. In reality, it's just my way of saying hello.

You see, I've noticed this sort of over-sensitivity creeping into our culture more and more. In my line of business there used to be a time where if you called a member of the opposition a flatulent bag of crap, or accused them of a sexual misdemeanour, or knifed them in an alleyway, they'd just shrug it off as part of the cut and thrust of politics... Are you all right down there?

UBO:

Mmmmmmm.

McGog:

You're not bothered about me standing on your head like this, are you?

UBO:

Mmm.

McGog:

Good. Well, nowadays of course, if you so much as obliquely imply someone might be a bit of a self-important prick, it's all lawsuits and newspaper articles and getting hauled over the coals by the party whip. And then you have to go on television and explain that you never actually meant what you said, even though everybody clearly heard you say it. Yawn! I think maybe we've lost something very important. What do you reckon?

UBO:

...

McGog:

Eh?

UBO:

...

McGog:

Yeah, that's right, you sleep it off. I'll see myself out shall I, you pox-ridden puddle of feculent slime? No offence, of course.

The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2017

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