I was going to do this joke. You see, I am teaching my cow all about etiquette and presentation, and I was going to start with a thing about elocution. Elocution is about speaking properly, and not about sticking your fingers in power sockets, which is a word that sounds similar but is a different thing all together. Important not to get them mixed up. Anyway, my joke would be about teaching my cow to say 'How now brown cow', which is something that you do in elocution. Then the punchline would be something about my cow ought to be able to say that already, since it already moved in those circles. I would probably have made the punchline a bit snappier than that, but of course my cow can't talk, so I can't do the joke. It would have been good though, wouldn't it?
All right, so it can't talk but it can moo, and it has this habit of doing a moo right down your earhole when you're not expecting it. I have been teaching it not to do this, by slapping it in its fat face every time it does it. It just looks at me stupidly every time, but I think the message is getting through.
I am also teaching it 'deportment', which is walking proper. At the moment it just kind of lumbers about all over the place, barging into people, with its limbs going in all directions. I am teaching it to walk a straight line using dainty steps, whilst balancing books on its head. Surprisingly, it not only seems to enjoy this, it's actually quite good at it. I'm thinking that we should scrub the idea of giving cow rides and go for something a bit more upmarket instead.