i. "...as you join us news is breaking..."

We've cut to a news studio. The anchor looks up, frowning.

Graham Eckersley: Hello and apologies for interrupting Celebrity Antique Renovation Wars but as you join us news is breaking that a thing has happened. At present it has not been confirmed what has happened, where it's happened or who it has happened to. Reports are still coming in so we're going to stay with this story as it develops, and we'll bring you all the news as it we get it. For the moment, however, we can speak to our special correspondent, Hugh Proctor, who has joined us here in the studio. Hugh, thank you for joining us on this very momentous occasion.

Hugh Proctor: My pleasure, Graham.

Eckersley: I used the word 'momentous' there - do you think that's an accurate description of the thing that has happened?

Proctor: Well, of course, it's very early to say at present, but I think it's likely that this situation is indeed going to prove to be momentous. There is every chance that it could also be critical, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out to have far-reaching repercussions.

ii. "...madam, can I ask you how you feel..."

Cut to pre-recorded report. The reporter looks much too enthusiastic about being in a rainy street in Loughborough.

Sally Crompton: Madam, can I ask you how you feel about the thing that has happened?

Miserable Looking Woman: Well I think it's terrible. You wouldn't think it could happen in this day and age. They should be locked up.

Crompton: I see. Who should be locked up?

Miserable Looking Woman: 'They' should - all of them. Trust me, start locking people up and this sort of thing wouldn't be a problem.

Cut.

Crompton: Sir, can I ask, do you have any opinions about why this thing has happened?

Red Faced Man: What thing?

Crompton: This thing.

Red Faced Man: Oh, a thing has happened, has it? Doesn't surprise me. Bound to happen, wasn't it? Well, the way I see it is that they voted for it, so they should have to deal with consequences, and good luck to 'em!

Cut.

Crompton: Excuse me, I'm asking people for their thoughts on this thing that has happened.

Snooty Woman: Thing?

Crompton: Yes, it's being reported that -

Snooty Woman: Oh, I know what's being 'reported'. I know all about the liberal media and its distorted agenda; the lies, the half-truths and the disinformation. I'll tell you what this 'thing' is - it's no thing. It's nothing, that's what it is. Sorry, but we're not going to fall for this scaremongering anymore. Wake up sheeple!

iii. "...some forthright opinions there..."

Back in the studio. Sally Crompton on the screen, smiling in the rain.

Eckersley: Some forthright opinions there. And we can go over live to Sally Crompton now. Sally, some forthright opinions there?

Crompton: Yes Graham, those opinions certainly were forthright. And that forthrightness has been typical of many of the opinions of people I've spoken to here in Loughborough.

Eckersley: And is that level of forthrightness typical of the people of Loughborough?

Crompton: Well certainly the people of Loughborough have a reputation for being plainspoken, but this level of forthrightness has not been seen in a long time. In fact, I've spoken to experts, and they say that Loughborough is heading towards peak forthrightness, which hasn't been seen since the thing that happened in 2017.

Eckersley: Food for thought there. Thank you, Sally Crompton in Loughborough, I'm sure we'll come back to you again later. In the meantime, if I could turn again to Hugh Proctor here in the studio. Hugh, Sally mentioned there the thing that happened in 2017. I'm sure there are comparisons to be drawn with the thing that is happening today?

Proctor: Indeed there are. At this stage, we're not clear what those comparisons might be, but certainly the 2017 thing had significant impact, and there is every indication that the thing today might be somewhat similar, if indeed not very similar.

Eckersley: Significantly similar?

Proctor: Well, of course, it's very early to say at present, but I think it's likely that this situation is indeed going to prove to be similarly momentous. There is every chance that it could also be critical, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out to have far-reaching repercussions.

iv. "...this chart behind me sums up the situation very neatly..."

Cut to other side or studio. Dominic Pigweed, wild-eyed stare and flailing limbs, getting increasingly frantic about the graphics flashing over the screen behind him.

Dominic Pigweed: Indeed I can, Graham, indeed I can. Well, as you can see, this chart sums up the situation very neatly. The x-axis represents time, the y-axis shows the matched volume. Now, you can see that the red line remains constant, whereas the yellow line is constantly fluctuating. Of course, this chart doesn't currently show the impact of the thing that has happened today. We don't yet have that information of course, but we can make certain predictions based on common variables, and on our experience of what happened in 2017. Now watch what happens when I plug that data into our chart. If I just press this button... look, look, look at that! So the green line has appeared now, and it's looped back on itself.

So what does that tell us? Well, to understand it we need to look at this chart here. The red section represents the yellow line, the green section is the number of times that things have happened within the last forty years and the purple section simulates the action of potassium permanganate on aluminium. There is a clear indication here that, given certain factors, and if extended over a period of several hours, the thing that has happened today may very well present a significant obstacle. Back to you, Graham.

Cut back to anchor.

Eckersley: Thank you, Dominic, most illuminating. Well, Hugh, most illuminating?

Proctor: Oh yes, I would say it is most illuminating. I for one feel quite illuminated. Of course, it's still early days for this situation yet.

v. "...knowing the royal family as I do..."

Babbacombe, an excessively coiffured man wallowing in a cloud of his own smugness, sits opposite.

Babbacombe: Thank you, Graham. It's really wonderful to be here on this remarkable day. And, knowing the royal family as I do, I'm sure they are thinking that it is a remarkable day too.

Eckersley: Remarkable indeed. You, of course, worked closely with the royal family in 2009 and 2010.

Babbacombe: That's right. And again in 2015.

Eckersley: So you got to know them quite closely?

Babbacombe: Oh yes, I got to know them quite closely. Of course, the royal family maintain a dignified distance from their staff.

Eckersley: As is only proper.

Babbacombe: As is only proper, indeed. But I think I occupied a special position of trust. I remember once that the Prince of Wales asked me to pick up a piece of paper. And of course, I was constantly nipping out to the newsagent's for the Countess of Wessex. So, knowing the royal family as I do, I think I can say that this thing that has happened will have had some impact.

Eckersley: I see. Well, of course, we don't know what thing has happened yet, or whether there is any royal connection. Many experts are already equating it with the thing that happened in 2017. There was no direct royal connection there, of course, but perhaps you can tell is what impact the 2017 thing had on the family?

Babbacombe: Oh, considerable, most definitely considerable. As you say, there was no royal connection, as such, but the mood within the palace most definitely reflected that of the rest of the nation. Obviously, I wasn't working for the royal family in 2017, but knowing the royal family as I do, I think I can say that there was considerable impact.

Eckersley: Andrew Babbacombe, thank you very much for joining us.

Babbacombe: Thank you, Graham, it's been a pleasure. And my I say that, knowing the royal family as I do, I'm sure they would say it has been a pleasure as well.

Eckersley swings back to Proctor.

Eckersley: Considerable impact, Hugh - your thoughts?

Proctor: We must be careful not to jump the gun, but it's probably safe to say that whatever this situation turns out to be, its impact may indeed be considerable.

vi. "...some talk of a van..."

Eckersley leans forward with his finger to his earpiece, listening to what the voices in his head are telling him.

Eckersley: ...Yes... yes... yes, we're getting reports now of an incident on the M6, possibly involving a truck, or a bus. There has also been some talk of a van of some description. Well, let's go over once more to Sally Crompton in Loughborough for the reaction there. Sally, what's the reaction there?

Loughborough again. Still raining.

Crompton: Well, people are certainly reacting. I spoke to someone just a few moments ago, and he reacted quite noticeably. In fact, unofficial reports are saying that there hasn't been so much reaction here for at least three years, which just goes to show you how reactive the people of Loughborough are.

Eckersley: Now, these unconfirmed reports have mentioned the possibility of a van of some description.

Crompton: Yes, and that has been one of the things that people have been reacting to. Many Loughborough people, of course, have vans of some description of their own, and this latest development is being viewed with deep interest by the van-owning contingent here in Loughborough.

Eckersley: I'm sure it is. Now, we should of course say that Loughborough is some distance from the M6.

Crompton: That's right, Graham. Many places are some distance from the M6, and Loughborough is certainly one of them. Even so, I think it's fair to say that the people of Loughborough have an affinity with this motorway, using it to travel to places like Northwich, Warrington and Wigan, often in vans of some description.

Eckersley: Of course. Well, as we're speaking, the police have issued a statement to say that the incident on the M6 was a stray sheep, this has now been safely dealt with without incident, and at this point there is no reason to think that there is any connection between this incident and the thing that has happened. Something more for the people of Loughborough to react to, Sally?

Crompton: Absolutely. I'm sure there will be plenty or reacting going on in the streets of Loughborough tonight.

We're back to Proctor in the studio.

Eckersley: Hugh, some interesting developments, there. However, it certainly seems that the sheep incident on the M6 is not connected with the thing that has happened. Although I don't suppose we can be absolutely certain at this stage.

Proctor: Well, in a situation like this, we certainly can't say for certain that a certain set of circumstances is or is not relevant. It's very much anyone's guess.

vii. "...five different levels of significant matters..."

Professor Plimsoll: Hi Graham, great to be speaking to you. Let me begin, Graham, by explaining that over the years we have identified five different levels of significant matters.

Eckersley: Five different levels of significance?

Plimsoll: Three different levels of significance, Graham, and two different levels of matters. And, you know Graham, we very much feel that most things that have happened can be categorised in this way.

Eckersley: So you strongly believe that this thing that has happened can be categorised by your system?

Plimsoll: Well Graham, very little is known about the thing that has happened yet, and only a complete moron, Graham, would recklessly risk their reputation and their career by rashly making any kind of snap prediction, Graham, based on the scant information that we have at our disposal at this time. But I would say this is definitely a level three, Graham.

Eckersley: Well thank you to Professor Plimsoll in New York, there.

Plimsoll: Washington, Graham.

Eckersley: Apologies. Thank you, Professor Washington in Graham. Level three, Hugh - is that a fair assessment?

Hugh Proctor is still here. He's not going anywhere.

Proctor: A fairly fair assessment, I'd say. I might even go further and suggest that this situation could reach level four or, who knows, level five.

viii. "...as sure as eggs is eggs (aching men's feet)..."

Eckersley: Sally, we were wondering what the latest reaction is in Loughborough? So tell us, what is the latest reaction in Loughborough? In particular, how have people in Loughborough been reacting, and has that reaction been, in any sense, one that is likely to cause a reaction in, for example, other, less reactive, parts of the country, bearing in mind of course that...

Repeat until fade.