Good news! Our debut album is at number one, we're all over the music press and we've been booked to go on The One Show. Bad news - the record company has ripped us off and we're not getting a penny, Sniffy Pickles has left the band due to creative differences and Itchy MacGyver has sold our banjos and fled to Mauritius with the proceeds. So the band is no more, which is a real pity since I was really looking forward to going on The One Show and sitting next to some perplexed Hollywood B-lister while they play a report on the state of the drains in Cirencester. "Well Ryan, I bet you don't have problems like this with the drains in Beverly Hills." "No... er, no Alex. Can we talk about my movie now, please?"
The really really really surprising thing is that Sniffy already has a solo album out, and he's made a couple of videos, and he's already playing solo shows. I can't figure out when he found the time to do all this. I think it must have been yesterday afternoon. He said he was nipping out to a dentist's appointment, but I think we now know what he was really up to.
So now my dreams of stardom are over. After this whirlwind of touring and press junkets, I've finally come back down to earth with a bump. I didn't even know where I was, so I stepped outside the hotel and found I was in Stoke on Trent. Like I said, down to earth with a bump. But then I looked up and saw something extraordinary. There was an open-topped tourist bus going by, and there, on the top, listening to the tour guide pointing out places of interest, was my sandwich! I couldn't believe it. Who would want to go on an open-topped bus tour of Stoke?