The Sandwich: #138

The Sandwich


The cats' home was a smoking ruin. The people from the Cats' Protection league had arrived and were herding up the surviving cats. I was pleased to see that Hamilton Prong had survived - well, I was indifferent, to be honest, but one has to be polite. He explained that the evil nutjob Felix Scratcher had escaped, as per his contract (he mentioned something about a sequel) and that his phalanx of feline followers would be reconditioned and rehomed.

"We'll find you a new family to live with," he told me. "Somewhere you will be looked after and cared for."

"That's very nice of you," I said. "But I'm not a cat."

"You'll have a fresh scratching post," he continued. "And a proper basket. And a nice new collar with a little bell on it."

"Yes, sounds lovely," I said, with little enthusiasm. "But not really for me - although I do like the idea of the little bell. See, I am not a pussy cat. I am a free man."

At this point he tickled me under the chin and made silly noises at me. "Puss, puss, puss, puss," he went. "Who's a clever boy, then?"

"Please stop that," I said. "This is inappropriate. Actually, if you could just scratch behind my ears, that would be smashing. The point is, I am not a cat. Now, if you could find me a decent hotel and a new pair of trousers - you see, I've burnt the backside out of these - then that would be most appreciated. Also, I'm looking for my sandwich - "

"Ah, no sandwiches," he said, patting my head. "But there will be plenty of meaty chunky pussy grub for you. And a saucer of yummy milk. And some catnip if you're lucky. Now get in the cage."

I protested again, and this time he stood upright and became very cold. "Listen pal," he said. "We're the bloody Cats' Protection League. We do cats, we don't do people. So either lick up the honey, stranger, and ask no questions, or do one. What's it to be?"

I looked around, considered my options. Then I shrugged and got in the cage.



Outstanding Achievements in the Field of Vandalism.
The Royal State Stair Lift
A right load of dodgy villains.
Now you too can learn to fly like a squirrel!
Interesting Jobs No 419
See the monks in their natural habitat
Mr Ooluv has fun at your expense
Three tests for nationhood
Mexican village attempts massive maracas record.
Rogue taxidermist at large.


Extreme DinosaursTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs


The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator

Latest blog entries...