Maxwell the Talking Cat and his talented troupe of animals have promised to turn me into the greatest name in showbiz since someone I'd never heard of. Okay, let's get to work!
GRAMS: "Let's Get Physical" by Olivias Newtons-Johns
I'm being taught to juggle by a frog. Look, see, there I am. Oh dear, I keep dropping the clubs though.
Now look - I'm an acrobat, swinging from trapeze to trapeze. It's great! I'm brilliant at this. But, oh dear, I miss the bar and plummet out of frame with a scream.
I'm riding a monocycle. Look at me! And it's on fire! Don't worry, it's supposed to be on fire, that's part of the act. I don't look happy about it though, do I?
I'm in a chair, surround by animals who are doing my hair and makeup. We're all laughing and having a wonderful time. This is great!
I'm juggling again. But this time I'm not dropping anything. Look at me, I'm really happy.
Montage over. That was fun.
"Well treacle," says Maxwell. "I reckon we've just about turned you into a star."
"Yes," I reply. "And it only took one minute and thirty seconds."
"But we need a better name for you. 'Marvelloso' is a bit dated, know what I mean? You need something with a bit more gravitas; something that will make you stand out without being so... crap."
"Got it!" I say. "Graham!"
Maxwell tried to talk me out of it, but I stuck to my guns, and so 'Graham' it was. Now I was sure to be a hit! However, just to be on the safe side, Maxwell taught me one last thing: escapology. Specifically, he taught me how to escape from a sack that has been weighted with bricks and thrown into the canal.