CAUTION: This episode may include distressing scenes and the word "bum".
We are at the talent competition. It is a big telly show and there are lots of people here and most of them are very strange. We are waiting in a big room and everybody is going through their act, singing and jigging about and fire-eating and juggling sausages. It is a bit much, to be honest, and I am getting fed up with all the ruddy noise. I end up talking to a young man called Belton, who wants to be famous. That's not his real name - his proper actual name is Elton, named after a sports presenter called Elton Welsby, who is the second most famous Elton in the world and the fourth most famous Welsby. He says he put the "B" in front of his name to make him more showbiz. I ask him what is does and he says he doesn't really do anything at the moment, but once he hits the big time, his job will be to be famous.
Then I meet a lady called Martini - I suspect that this is not her real name either. Martini is destined to be a top poperoony singer, with a record in the charts and everything. She has spent the last fifty years performing in clubs and on cruise ships, and tells me that she is going to hit the big time some time soon because she read it in her horror scope. She sings a bit of a song for me. I sort of recognise the bit of the song that she sings, but she manages to cram far more notes into each line than I remember being in the original. In fact, in her version, she stretches the first two lines out to a minute and a half, which is probably a useful skill to have.
I suspect these people have no concept of what constitutes 'entertainment', but then I'm just a man pretending to be a performing cat, so what would I know?
APOLOGY: Turns out this episode did not include any distressing scenes or the gratuitous use of the word "bum". Sorry.