The Sandwich: #149

The Sandwich

#149

Some people are O negative. Some people are AB positive. I'm talking blood groups here. But me, well, I've got showbiz coursing through my veins. That means I was born to perform. It also means that if I am in an accident, I can only get a transfusion from Bradley Walsh.

I wait in the wings. The adrenaline is rushing through me. There's a pounding in my ears. The excitement mounts and I step out onto the stage. Blinded by the light, I shield my eyes. The audience waits in silence. In front of me are the three judges who will decide my fate. The man on the right with the big trousers asks me my name.

"I am Graham the Performing Cat," I tell him, and he accepts this without comment. I guess he's already seen enough weirdos today, one more won't make any difference. He tells me to start in my own time. I didn't bring any of my own time with me, so I use some of theirs. I have everything ready on the table before me - the bread, the margarine, the strawberry jam. I nod to cue my music, there is a fanfare and I make a jam sandwich.

I step back from the table, pleased with the results. "Well that was unusual," says the goofy-looking man on the left. I have seen him on the telly before - he's the man who puts on a silly voice and is very funny. Sometimes he dresses as a lady. He has been doing it for twenty years now and no one seems able to stop him. "Is that all you do - you make a sandwich? Sorry, but it's a no from me."

"A jam sandwich," I elaborate.

"I'm afraid it's a no from me, as well," says the lady in the middle. I feel quite sorry for her, because she clearly can't afford a dress that covers up all her front. I hope she has got a big coat, because it's nippy out today and she'll freeze her bits off.

"Well I overrule you both, because I've got the biggest trousers," says the slimy man with the big trousers. "I thought it was fresh, original, edgy and I love jam sandwiches. So it's a yes from me, which means that next week you will be performing for the Queen at the Royal Demand Performance."

"Yay," I say. "Ta very much, squire."

 

 

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