I am hiding in an empty theatre, and I am getting a bit nervous about ghosts, even though they definitely don't exist. I have never seen a ghost, obviously, but I know someone who has. His name is Kevin - that's my friend's name, not the ghost's. I don't know what the ghost's name was. Anyway, Kevin claimed that he saw one and I am not sure whether to believe him. This is the same person who once told me that Elton John taught physics at his old school, and it's thanks to the flamboyant gap-toothed pop star that he now fully understands Boyle's law. I think he made it up because he was jealous when I told him that David Bowie taught me chemistry.
So, this ghost that Kevin reckons he saw - he said he saw it one dark and moonlit night, climbing over the wall behind the back of Asda's. When I asked him how he knew it was definitely a ghost, he said that it was because it was wearing an Elizabethan ruff and bellowed the word "Gadzooks!" when it caught its tackle on the barbed wire. Of course, if it had been a ghost, it could have walked through the wall instead of climbing over it, but when I pointed this out to Kevin, he just shook his head and said that I didn't know nothing. Ghosts, he told me, could only walk through stuff that didn't exist in their time, and his ghost had to climb over because it was an original Elizabethan wall. That's when I knew for definite that he was talking bull-plop, because I know for a fact that they didn't have Asda's back in them days.