This is a hard letter to write. Now, I know that it's been a long time since I was last in touch with you, but I want you to understand that nothing has changed. When I cancelled my satellite TV package two years ago, it was forever. There's no going back. I meant it: it's over.
It really pains me that you seem unable to move on. Every week you write to me, telling me about your latest offers. And every week your letters go straight in the bin. I'm sorry if that seems heartless, but I have to be frank with you. I'm not interested in you anymore. To be honest, we drifted apart long before we actually broke up. Please don't feel bad about this, you have so much going for you: your movie channels, the sport, even some of your original programmes aren't that bad. It's not you, it's me. You just don't do it for me anymore.
It would be really great if you could stop living in the past and meet someone new. There are some great new customers out there, just waiting to hook up with a broadcaster like you. It's time to stop wasting all your glossy leaflets and special offers on me and start hanging out with some new subscribers. Go on, you know it's the right thing to do. Have some self-respect, stop wallowing in self-pity, put on your best party dress and get out there.
OK? Come on, wipe away those tears, you've got a great future ahead of you. I won't write to you again. We had some great times together, but this really is the end. Take my advice and don't contact me again. No more limited time offers, no more discounted packages, no more flyers telling me about all that I'm missing. Goodbye.
Great new offers from Sky TV
We know you said that it was all over, but we just wanted you to know that you can now get Sky TV and Sky Sports for just £51 per month. Yes, that's right - and that price is fixed for 18 months. Wow!
Now, we realise that you weren't expecting to hear from us again, but we thought you really ought to know about this great deal. It's amazing, right?
Anyway, we won't keep you, we know you're busy with your new life. But think about what we've said, yeah, and maybe drop us a line?
Have you heard about our great new offers?
We thought we might have heard from you about the great deal that we wrote to you about last week. Guess you're still thinking it over. That's fine, take your time. It's just that we forgot to tell you last time about some of the great sporting fixtures that we've got coming up exclusively on Sky Sports. All the Premiership games, the boxing of course, and you won't want to miss the Formula 1. Oh yes, we remember how you always loved your motor racing.
Anyway, I won't keep you. Get back to us soon, yeah?
Look, fantastic new deals!
Look, what's the problem? Have you got someone new? No other broadcaster can offer everything we can - you know that, don't you? Go on, who is it? Tell us! It's not bloody Amazon, is it? Ha! Well, we pity you if it is.
Listen Paul, please reconsider. If you sign up again it will be better this time, we promise. We'll make a real effort with our original programmes, seriously - it won't just be cheap panel shows anymore. There'll be new dramas and everything, honest. Go on, give us a chance, please.
Love and Kisses
See what you're missing!
Well fuck you then! Do you know what, you were a crap customer anyway. You only ever had the basic package, and even then you were struggling to keep up the monthly payments. Listen, we've got new customers now. Oh yes, real customers who go the whole way with the film channels and everything. So guess what, we don't need you. You can rot in hell, for all we care. Goodbye!
We're sorry, so sorry. Please ignore our last letter, we were upset. But we promise it will all be better from now on. We've made a real effort and put together a special package just for you. You can have all the film channels for no extra cost! Yes, we mean it. Everything you want is here, there's no need to go anywhere else.
So please come back to us, Paul. We've sent you a direct debit form, all you need to do is fill it in and everything will be ok. It will be just like it used to be, only better. Please Paul, please come back to us. We really really really want you back and we just can't face going on without you. We love you, Paul, and there's never been anyone else. Looking forward to hearing from you very soon.
Hugs and Kisses
P.S. Refer a friend and get a £30 gift voucher for Argos.
Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
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