'TV Property Show Ruined My Health'

'TV Property show ruined my health,' says property developer.

Dodgy house

 

Businessman Robert Baumeister claims that he has developed a rare condition following an appearance on the popular daytime TV show Homes Under the Hammer. The programme follows the fortunes of developers as they snap up properties at auction and renovate them in the hope of eventually turning a profit. Robert featured two years ago when he bought a near-derelict townhouse in Stockport. TV crews have periodically revisited him to record his progress, and after the last visit his wife pointed out that he seemed to have acquired an unusual habit. A trip to his doctor revealed that Robert is suffering from Maxwell's Syndrome, which means that whenever he walks into a room, he stops and looks around unconvincingly for a few moments before proceeding.

"I lost count of the number of times the film crew asked me to do that," Robert told us. "They said to me, 'walk into the room, look about as if you're examining the place, then carry on.' They got me doing that over and over and over again. It was horrible. It made me look like a proper idiot and after a while my neck started to ache, but when I protested they just shouted at me and said that it was an important part of the format, and that everyone had to do it."

Now the habit has stuck and Robert performs the awkward and absurd gesture every time he walks through a doorway. "I can't go into a shop now because I just draw attention to myself," he explained. "I went to the bank yesterday and they called the police because they thought I was casing the joint. And I've fallen out with most of my friends - whenever I visit their houses, I do this weird 'looking around' thing and they all think I'm being judgemental."

Unfortunately, there is no cure, but Robert is not the only person who is struggling to cope following a stint on a daytime TV show. Olivia Woodchip was featured on the programme Money for Nothing, in which unwanted rubbish is given new life by being upcycled into useful and desirable items. Now she can no longer walk past a skip without dragging out any old piece of junk and turning it into a lamp.

Meanwhile, Jenna Clangbury is suing the makers of Come Dine with Me for turning her into a social pariah, unable to eat anywhere without giving the food marks out of ten and doing a short piece to camera about how the pasta was overdone.

And after only one appearance on Claimed and Shamed, the documentary series following a team of insurance fraud investigators, Keith 'Nosher' Smith contracted a severe six-year custodial sentence for fraud.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
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The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022

 

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