Even more people you have never heard of...

Pieter Elastoplato

President of the People's Republic of Groinburg, which is a small enclave in Walsall, quite near the M6. Pieter declared independence from the West Midlands in 1988, following a dispute about planning permission for a conservatory. The council continues to challenge his claim of sovereignty, although, due to an administrative error, the United Nations recognises Groinburg as a nation in its own right. In fact, Groinburg is a permanent member of the Security Council and Pieter regularly sends a delegation to New York. The country's major economic activity is claiming expenses, with the added bonus that they don't pay any tax. Incidentally, the disputed conservatory has still not been built, which some might say has rendered the whole exercise somewhat pointless.

Lord Godfrey Spandex

Inventor of the fully integrated goat milking system, considered to be the single greatest advance in goat milking since the development of pneumatic gloves. His system only works on fully integrated goats and to date no reliable solution exists for non-integrated and partially integrated goats.

Professor Suzi Polyester

Early twentieth century linguist and keen proponent of the Cambridge comma. This now defunct example of punctuation was four times larger than the rival Oxford comma, twice as heavy and approximately 40% curlier. Its use was banned in schools in 1932 on health and safety grounds.

Massive Mathew McCallister

Four times winner of the speed trumping championships. McCallister could fart at a prodigious rate and at speeds in excess of twenty-four feet per second. The average rate for a normal human is ten feet per second. McCallister claimed he was descended from Lord Julius Windbreak, who was Chief Farter to the Court of Queen Elizabeth I. McCallister's talented bottom has attracted the interest of NASA and the Russian military, and prompted the unceasing disgust of his neighbours and members of his immediate family.

Keith Marx

The ninth Marx Brother. He only made one film with the group, before he left to start a business filling horse troughs with custard for the benefit of sweet-toothed donkeys. Rumours abound that the real reason he left was because he fell out with Harpo over the correct way to fit a safety guard on a capstan lathe. He disappeared in 1975 and is still wanted by the police, who want to question him on the whereabouts of the sixth, seventh and eight Marx Brothers.

Pettruchio the Happy Chicken

Perhaps the world's happiest chicken, a title which admittedly is not too hotly contested. Pettruchio lived on a farm in Alabama in the 1950s, and whenever anyone went past, they would stop and say, "What the hell is that chicken laughing about?" We never did find out what it found so funny, but it was friends with a pig who occasionally had a fit of the giggles, and people speculate that they were sharing some private joke.

Florence Avocado

Growing up on a farm in eighteenth century Yorkshire, there was very little for Florence to do with her spare time, since table tennis was banned and the first Nintendo console wouldn't be invented until 1892. Instead, she dedicated her life to helping animals in distress - particularly worms, which she used to untie when they had got themselves all tangled up. This dovetailed nicely with the chief pastime of her brother, Granville Avocado, an evil bastard who would spend his free time tying them in knots in the first place.

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
Click here to download it for just £1 and get access to all our other annuals and special releases at the same time.