Armoured Pyjamas

Hey man, you know what a complete hassle it is when you're woken up in the middle of the night after being attacked by crocodiles. It happens surprisingly often. I mean, it's happened to me twice in the last thirty years, which may not sound like a lot, but I live in Chiswick so, as I say, it's quite surprising.

Now, I'm all for nature. I'm not one of these dudes who's got a downer on the natural world just because it's full of things that bite you and sting you and occasionally try to throttle you. That's just not cool. Live and let live, you know. But I do object to nature when it takes the form of something that waddles into my bedroom at two o'clock in the morning and starts snapping at my ankles. So what's the answer, you say? Armoured pyjamas, is my reply.

I first got the idea for armoured pyjamas when I was at university. At that time, I was living mostly on Pot Noodles, the spicy beef ones, and some of those additives were making me a bit freaky. I mean, it was really great, but it did tend to give me night terrors. I would flail around wildly and fall out of bed, and since I was occupying the top bunk, I would land with one hell of a thump. Oddly, although this disturbed my flatmate, I would sleep through the whole traumatic episode, only realising something was amiss the next morning, when I woke up on the floor, covered in bruises.

I fell out of bed with a clang

I was inventive, even back then, and so I set about devising a protective outfit in which to sleep. By welding a series of baking tins together, I fabricated a pair of pyjamas which I thought would shield me during my night-time ordeal. The first night I tried it I fell out of bed with a clang rather than a thump and in the morning I was not only bruised, but also somewhat lacerated. It had been a failure. My flatmate was a total fascist about the whole thing and decided to chain me to my bunk every night. Yeah, it solved the problem of me falling out of bed, but those chains didn't half chafe. My flatmate was happy with the arrangement though. Like I say, total fascist and really not cool.

When, in later life, I started experiencing all this grief with the crocodiles, my mind went back to those prototype armoured pyjamas. Of course, by now I was a semi-successful inventor, with proper inventing facilities at my disposal and bread enough to afford some more expensive baking tins. One night, in a flash of inspiration, I phoned up my assistant, Lazlo Windchime-Monkeybush, and told him to meet me at my laboratory immediately. It was a difficult conversation - I don't think Lazlo could hear me properly because of all the snapping of the crocodiles. Also, he was not at all cool with being woken up in the early hours of the morning, but when you get that sudden lightbulb moment, you just have to act, don't you? Anyway, he agreed to shuffle off to the lab immediately. I'm afraid I then suddenly came over very tired and didn't get there myself till about ten-thirty.

Lazlo was a bit bitchy with me after that, and the guy probably had every right to be. He didn't have a key, so he'd had to wait outside in the rain, and while he's as keen to commune with nature as the next dude, he wasn't so happy about nature dribbling down the back of his neck for several hours. Still, great things were afoot, so we set to work straight away, hammering and bashing and thumping. Very soon we had to door open - turns out I'd forgotten my key as well - and then we were able to start building the prototype.

What does the average guy in the street want from armoured pyjamas? That's the question I asked myself. Turns out it was the wrong question - the average guy doesn't wear pyjamas in the street. Ok then, so what does the average guy in bed want from armoured pyjamas? Well first off, he wants them to provide protection - not just from crocodiles, but also from wild bison, ostriches, falling pianos and all the other hazards that might plague him in the night. He will also want to be reassured that he can survive natural disasters such as floods, earthquakes, meteorite strikes and falling pianos. He will also require a certain degree of freedom of movement to enable him to get up in the middle of the night to perform necessary tasks such as bathroom manoeuvres, checking under the bed for monsters and playing the piano. And he will wish to do all this in comfort.

The ultimate in protective nightwear

With these requirements in mind, I set about constructing the ultimate in protective nightwear. The ideal material to work with would have been Kevlar, but that stuff will set you back a lot of bread, so cast iron was a much more affordable alternative. Thanks to the ingenious deployment of hinges, the pyjamas could be made to bend in all the right places. Lined with fire-retardant foam rubber, the pyjamas were warm, comfortable, would cushion against impact and protect the wearer in the event of spontaneous combustion. Further protection from midnight collisions was provided with the addition of a crumple zone in the seat of the pyjama bottoms.

But how do we protect the wearer from the elemental forces of nature, I hear you cry? Don't worry, guys. My pyjamas are earthed in case of lightning strike, there is a floatation device that will deploy in the event of a flood, and shock absorbers in the knees and elbows will allow you to sleep soundly through even the most violent earthquake. The deluxe model even has built in radar, which will alert you to approaching pianos.

So, the prototype was finished and all that remained was to test it. Unfortunately, they were too small for me, but the perfect size for Lazlo, so we squeezed him into them, loaded him into a giant catapult and fired him at a wall. He survived! I mean, there was a hell of a clang and his ears were ringing for a week, and he often wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, but the important thing is that he was more or less unharmed.

And now you too can enjoy nights of uninterrupted slumber, confident in the knowledge that you are fully protected from crocodiles, earthquakes and pianos. Moonbeam MKI Armoured Pyjamas are now on sale in a store near you. My advice to you is to get your pair now, before some interfering fascist health and safety Nazi decides to ban them.

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
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