Staff Handbook: Some Useful Information

Welcome to Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions, one of the largest digitally tracked logistical interface companies in Europe. We hope you enjoy your time working here and we look forward to you becoming a valuable and productive member of the team.

This booklet is designed to acquaint you with some of our rules and regulations and answer any questions you may have. Just like every other employer that you've ever worked for, here at Frisbee we believe that we are not like everybody else. A 'Frisbee Person' is motivated, dedicated and gullible and is always prepared to go the extra mile. That's why we firmly believe that our staff are our greatest asset.

The Frisbee Way

Working for Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions is not like working for any other company and you may find it a little difficult at first to adjust to the Frisbee ethos. To help you, here is a guide to some of the words and phrases that you may hear being used by your colleagues throughout your working day.

 

 

Adjust: Commit an act of fraud. As in 'we've had to adjust some of the yearly results to avoid missing the threshold'.

Annual leave: Period in which you are allowed to work from home, as long as you continue to answer calls, respond to emails and keep on top of your workload.

Appraisal and supervision: Box ticking.

Asset disposal: Helping yourself to the contents of the stationery cupboard.

Backdating: Committing an act of fraud. As in 'we're going to have to develop and backdate a sickness absence policy ahead of a forthcoming tribunal, so that it looks like we've had one in place all along'.

Cod of conduct: A really well behaved fish.

Code of conduct: Series of unwritten rules that can be instantaneously summoned into being whenever somebody does something we don't like. Not to be confused with a cod of conduct.

Compassionate leadership: Paying lip service to some vague concept that no one really understands, whilst in reality carrying on in exactly the same way that we always did.

Equality and diversity: Box ticking.

Ethical purchasing: Buying recycled toilet paper.

Extended sick leave: State of semi-employment, usually a precursor to resignation or dismissal.

Focus group: Panel of individuals from various backgrounds who have been carefully chosen to give the right responses to questions to which we already know the answers.

Fudge: Commit an act of fraud. As in 'we've fudged the outcomes data for this quarter so that they meet the target'.

Gantt chart: Pretty picture.

Go the extra mile: Working unpaid overtime.

Harassment, bullying and discrimination: Management (right kids?)

Health and Safety training: Being shown how not to fall off a ladder.

Innovative Solutions: Unworkable solutions dreamt up to address problems which don't exist.

Letter of resignation: Passive-aggressive diatribe on the failings of a soon-to-be ex-employer.

Meeting: Occasion on which a number of people gather around a table, eat biscuits, chat about stuff and entirely fail to reach a decision about anything.

Probationary period: Variable period of time with no real world significance which is nevertheless effective in intimidating and cajoling new staff.

Progress report: List of excuses thinly held together with bar charts and made up numbers.

Project management: Drawing pretty pictures. See Gantt chart.

Re-evaluate: Commit an act of fraud. As in 'we've had to re-evaluate some of the qualifying criteria for outcomes to enable us to incorporate specific results into our running totals'.

Risk assessment: Purely academic exercise in evaluating fictitious hazards in an imaginary environment.

Satisfaction survey: Carefully compiled series of questions designed to trick respondents into telling us how great we are.

Staff involvement: The art of giving staff the illusion that they are involved.

Staff secondment: Being removed from your everyday duties and deposited in some strange netherworld, whence no one returns. As in:

Whatever happened to Kevin?
Kevin?
Yeah, Kevin.
Oh Kevin. Yeah, he went on secondment for six months. That was eight years ago...

Strategy Meeting: Occasion on which a number of really important people gather around a table, eat really expensive biscuits and entirely fail to reach a decision about anything.

Team player: Someone who blindly believes everything we tell them. As in 'see Tom over there - we told him that if he's not prepared to come in early and work for free on Thursday then he's not a team player'.

Tender: A work of fiction. A tender will outline inflated costings associated with delivering a project or service. In practice only a small percentage of the projected costs will actually be spent and the surplus will be diverted elsewhere.

Time off in lieu: An amount of time owing to a member of staff, which the member of staff will never get the opportunity to take.

Tweak: Commit an act of fraud. As in 'we've had to slightly tweak our monthly report in order to qualify for a payment'.

 

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

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