Good, well you'll be pleased to
learn that there are a number of packages available that are specifically tailored to the
reduction of abnormally large nostrils. If you've got the money I'd recommend the
top-of-the-range gold-star scheme, in which you are flown out to Bermuda and sedated with
a selection of expensive champagnes and exotic liquors. Your face is then lovingly
reconstructed by a trained facial artist to a specification of your own choosing and
subsequently coated in a specially developed preservative that will render it both
shockproof and water-resistant for ten years. And that's guaranteed.
Obviously, as I'm sure you must realise, this is extremely
expensive, and is likely to be well beyond your meagre budget. But not to worry, I
can personally provide an alternative therapy at a fraction of the cost. I can't
guarantee to reduce the size of the affected cavity, but by employing a selection of
pliers, bolt-croppers and various sundry items of panel-beating paraphernalia, I'm pretty
certain I can get the other nostril to match.
Of course, this may not be entirely satisfactory
to you. It may be that, in spite of having apparently reached an understanding over
the matter, you may wish to go ahead and take legal action against me. Well, I'm not
surprised - it is a mercenary and self-serving little world we live in.
Nevertheless, you should be aware that I have reserved a special kind of treatment for
people who choose this path. My good friends Dr 'Smasher' Watkins and Tony 'The Fat
Boy' Bowser will be more than happy to visit you at their own convenience and hit you with
a brick until the swelling goes down. I have no idea about the efficacy of this
treatment, but I am told that they have never had any complaints.