You sick bastard.  Well I've got no sympathy for you at all.  You may think it's all very big and clever of you to go around eating sports paraphernalia, but that's just the start of your troubles.   Oh sure, it's a buzz at first, but before very long it won't be enough.   You'll be tempted to move onto 'the hard stuff' - DIY equipment, gardening tools and small-scale manufacturing machinery.  You won't think it's so smart when you're popping two or three capstan lathes a day, and washing it down with half a dozen screwdrivers and a bag of spanners.

I can help you, but you're going to have to want to change.  In the meantime, take a couple of paracetamol and the next time someone offers you a hockey puck, just say no.