There is a feeling within medical circles that doctors should endeavour to provide a more 'hands on' service.  This is a commendable sentiment, but completely impractical.  In my experience many of my patients are dirty, smelly, unkempt and often diseased.  For this reason I am a firm advocate of the 'hands off' approach.  I prefer my patients to remain at a distance, usually behind a screen, and if I absolutely have to touch them I'll use a stick.

Of course, in a perfect world they wouldn't actually enter my surgery at all, and so in order to further this utopian ideal I have devised this interactive questionnaire.  Simply answer the questions as honestly as you feel you have to, and we'll soon get to the bottom of your problem.  It's a faultless solution: you won't have to leave the comfort of your own sickbed, and I'm not going to waste valuable golfing time.

Dr Bongo