INT: DAY. A SMALL OFFICE SOMEWHERE IN WEMBLEY. THE INTERVIEWER RISES FROM HIS DESK AS MR SPIGGOT ENTERS

INTERVIEWER

Ah Mr Spiggot. Please come in. Let me just move this aside so that you can get your wheelchair through. Oh, and let me help you with that.

SPIGGOT

Oh thank you, very kind of you. It's not easy having to drag the drip round with me everywhere I go.

INTERVIEWER

Yes, and I suppose that only having the one arm doesn't make it any easier.

SPIGGOT

I should say not. Especially as the hook they gave me when I lost my remaining hand has a tendency to come loose.

INTERVIEWER

Shocking. Isn't there anything they can do about that?

SPIGGOT

Well, I'm on a waiting list, you know how it is?

INTERVIEWER

Of course, of course. Well, can I get you a drink? Tea?

SPIGGOT

I'm allergic.

INTERVIEWER

Oh, coffee then?

SPIGGOT

What, with my colon?

INTERVIEWER

Oh dear. A biscuit, perhaps?

SPIGGOT

Not unless you want to risk my bag overflowing. The colostomy, you know. Very tricky things.

INTERVIEWER

Ah, yes. So I would imagine. Perhaps we'd better just crack on then.

SPIGGOT

That's probably for the best. I can't usually last very long between seizures.

INTERVIEWER

Really? Well this shouldn't take long. I've looked over your CV and it's all very impressive. I just wanted to take this opportunity to get to know you a little better. So tell me, what was it that made you want to apply for this job?

SPIGGOT

Ah well, I'm very much a team player, you see. And I do enjoy working out in the open, so when I saw the advert this seemed like an ideal opportunity.

INTERVIEWER

Excellent. Yes, that enthusiasm is something that really came across in your application. And you do have a very impressive work record. There is just one thing I want to query. There does seem to be a bit of a gap in your work history over the last few years. Is that down to the accident you mentioned?

SPIGGOT

The series of accidents, yes.

INTERVIEWER

More than one?

SPIGGOT

Oh yes, most definitely. There was the first one with the scaffolding.

INTERVIEWER

Ah yes, you fell off some scaffolding.

SPIGGOT

No, no - that was the second time. The first time was when the scaffolding fell on me. I don't have much luck with scaffolding.

INTERVIEWER

I expect you've probably done your best to avoid scaffolding since then.

SPIGGOT

I certainly have. I'm not going to get caught out like that again. In fact, it was avoiding scaffolding that was the cause of my third accident - I stepped out into the road and got hit by a bus.

INTERVIEWER

Terrible.

SPIGGOT

Oh yes. It wasn't even in service.

INTERVIEWER

And it was while you were recovering from your third accident that you caught the tropical disease?

SPIGGOT

Ah no. Now let me see - I was hit by a bus in November and then the following February was when the microwave exploded. Yeah, that was a bit of a shock. I came round to find myself covered in searing hot chicken tikka masala and staring at the blackened remains of the plastic tray embedded in the ceiling tiles. Even now I've still got the ringing in my ears.

INTERVIEWER

I see.

SPIGGOT

Pardon?

INTERVIEWER

Nothing. So you contracted the tropical disease in March?

SPIGGOT

No, I contracted the disease in Finchley. Have you ever been to Finchley - it's a jungle out there.

INTERVIEWER

My word, Mr Spiggot, you have had a tough time of it, haven't you? And was that your guide dog that was causing such a commotion in the foyer earlier on?

SPIGGOT

Tyson? Yes, he's mine. Sorry about what he did to that young lady, but he gets a bit boisterous. I think there's something wrong with his brains. Guess that's what happens when you buy a guide dog from a bloke in a pub.

INTERVIEWER

Oh think nothing of it. We can always get another secretary. Mr Spiggot, what concerns me... and I don't want to sound offensive in anyway.

SPIGGOT

Go ahead please, I'm sure I will take no offence.

INTERVIEWER

I was just thinking, seeing how your various conditions and ailments affect you, should you really be working at all? Would someone in your position not normally be collecting some kind of sickness benefit?

SPIGGOT

Ah yes, well I anticipated that you might ask that question, and I can assure you that you've got nothing to worry about on that score. I made a claim for that Employment Support Allowance thing. They sent me along for a medical and it turns out that I'm perfectly fit for work.

INTERVIEWER

Really?

SPIGGOT

Oh yes. They really put me through my paces. Gave me a thorough going over. Turns out that I have no problem sitting down for long periods, for example.

INTERVIEWER

Aren't you confined to the wheelchair?

SPIGGOT

Exactly. But then they tipped me out of the chair and observed that I was able to climb back into it by using the drip as a support. So no real problems with mobility either.

INTERVIEWER

They were very thorough then?

SPIGGOT

Certainly - they even made a full assessment of my mental health. Because prior to that I had suffered from quite debilitating bouts of anxiety.

INTERVIEWER

Well I suppose being repeatedly hit by scaffolding is bound to leave you a little edgy.

SPIGGOT

Exactly, but they told me that I couldn't possibly have any anxiety problems as they didn't observe me 'rocking back and forth'. You can't argue with proof like that. They even took a look at all the medication I was taking and told me I didn't need it. Marvellous, isn't it - that they can achieve all that in ten minutes when ten years of on-going clinical diagnosis has consistently got it wrong.

INTERVIEWER

Astonishing. And these are specialist doctors, are they?

SPIGGOT

Oh yeah, they're real, proper doctors. I think this one was an aromatherapist or a homoeopathist or something.

INTERVIEWER

And did they note your limited vision?

SPIGGOT

Ah well, when I arrived they told me to 'watch the step' and apparently I did, so they concluded that I had twenty-twenty vision. As it turns out, it seems I don't need Tyson after all. Pity really, I've got quite attached to him.

INTERVIEWER

Well, Mr Spiggot, I think I've heard enough. What you've told me is all very enlightening.

SPIGGOT

Yes?

INTERVIEWER

I've given your application my full consideration, and in view of your lack of mobility, sensory deprivation, mental health issues and sundry other conditions and limitations, I can only conclude...

SPIGGOT

Yes?

INTERVIEWER

Mr Spiggot - congratulations, and welcome to The Football Association. I think you'll be best linesman we've ever had.