Cathedral Root System Undermines Buildings
There are concerns for the future of Salisbury Cathedral after recent survey work revealed that its foundations are undermining surrounding buildings.
The cathedral, which has been growing at an average rate of six inches a year since it was built in the thirteenth century, is now well over three miles high and presents a constant danger of collision to local air traffic.
However, there are now worries about it's ever-growing root system, which has spread beneath most of the city and threatens to cause widespread upheaval. Local residents are demanding that something be done and so plans are now afoot to uproot the cathedral and transplant it to East Grimstead, where it will become someone else's problem.
The Chief Chip-Eater of Old Wrexham Town
When 68-year-old Bert Eggs retires from his post as Chief Chip-eater, the city of Wrexham is going to find it's got a bit of a problem on its hands.
There has been a chip-eater in Wrexham for the last three hundred years - indeed, the position has been in Bert's family for the last five generations. Without his efforts, and those of his predecessors, Wrexham's chip population would have spiralled out of control, and the city would have been inundated by chips long ago.
Since he first took over from his father in 1955, Bert has ventured out each morning, come rain or come shine, with his knife and fork in hand, keeping the streets chip-free for normal folk. But age and ulcers have finally caught up with Bert, and when he finally turns in his salt and vinegar next month there will be no one to take over from him.
He has no offspring to carry on the family tradition, and despite advertising the position heavily, Wrexham City Council have still been unable to find a replacement.
"I can't understand it," said councillor Martin Stamford. "We're offering a very attractive package, including a healthy bread and butter allowance, plus double gravy for Bank Holidays.
"It really is a lifetime opportunity for the right candidate. Ideally we're looking for a fat bastard with a heart condition, but at this stage we're willing to consider anybody."
The Lost Continet, Found!
Scientists have discovered a previously unknown continent in the Mid-Atlantic. The landmass, roughly two thirds the size of Australia, has apparently gone unnoticed because 'no one thought of looking there before'.
Professor Henry Vent of the Royal Society of Nervous Geographers explained that overlooking major geographical features is actually very easy to do. "Mount Everest went entirely unnoticed until 1922, and even then it was only detected because it was spoiling someone's view of Tibet," the Professor told us. "Today the Grand Canyon attracts visitors from all over the world but early European settlers were largely unaware of it and Native American people only noticed it because of the large number of bison that kept plunging into it.
"And what about Belgium?" Professor Vent continued. "An entire country - most people pass straight through it without even blinking. Think of it this way, my Aunt Connie bought a hat in 1956 and it stayed on top of her wardrobe, completely untouched, for thirty years before she got around to throwing it out. Actually, that's probably not a particularly good analogy, but I'm sure you get my point."
A select group of geologists, speleologists, botanists and palaeontologists are currently preparing an expedition to investigate and catalogue the wonders of this new land. They're also taking a cardiologist and an acupuncturist with them, just to be on the safe side.
Professor Vent himself will be on hand to lend his expertise and he is quite clear about what he expects to find. "Dinosaurs, definitely," he announced. "Possibly a few giant crabs. A man eating plant, certainly, and a tribe of scantily-clad Amazonian women is a distinct possibility."
After a moment of consideration, the Professor revised his prediction. "I may be guilty of wishful thinking," he admitted. "At the very least we should encounter some interesting flora and a few pretty rocks. And, if nothing else, it will get me out of the house."
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