Crime Waves
A report commissioned by the Home Office has revealed that for the last ten years the crime rate in the North Sea was practically zero.
At depths of around 95 metres, instances of housebreaking were significantly lower than the national average, and car theft was practically unheard of. In deeper regions the statistics were even more striking.
Researchers are currently looking into the reason for these impressive figures. No conclusions have yet been reached, but many police forces around the country are already experimenting with planting seaweed in troubled night-spots in order to stem the outbreak of violent crime.
DIY Olympics
Victory for the British DIY Olympic squad who return home with an impressive six gold medals, including the 600 metres wallpapering, the freestyle tiling and the gloss painting relay.
They also managed to scrape a silver for the speed paving event.
Commiserations, however, to Diana McFlurry, who slipped on a stepladder whilst measuring up some coving. Her sprained ankle means she will be not be fit in time for the Commonwealth Games later this year, in which she was hoping to be part of the formation gardening team.
Bid to Reclassify Donkeys as Vegetables
When George Faggot became a vegetarian six months ago - for tax reasons - he wasn't quite prepared for the level of self-discipline his change of lifestyle would demand.
For fifty-eight-year-old Faggot - a man who has virtually lived his entire life on a diet of burgers and chops - the constant temptation has proven to be simply too much.
Steak and kidney pies are now out of the question, kebabs are a thing of the past, and even sausages are a no-no, because of the remote yet very real possibility of there being some vestige of meat in them.
Now George Faggot is looking for a loophole, and he is currently trying to persuade the powers-that-be to reclassify donkeys as vegetables. In the meantime he is trying to satisfy his cravings for meat as best he can by going down to a nearby farm in the dead of night and sucking on a pig.
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