Doodle
Tired of doing all your own doodling?
It's time-consuming, isn't it? Drawing pictures of spaceships while you wait on the phone, filling in the 'O's in newspaper headlines as you sit on the train, or scribbling random lettering on the back of cigarette packets. Well all that can be a thing of the past!
Mark Fawcet is a freelance illustrator and graphic designer, and he is now available for all your home and office doodling needs. And what can Mark do for you? Well, not only will he be able to save you time and effort, he can also produce doodles to professional standard. No more stick men on your notepad or meaningless squiggles at the back of your diary; Mark will provide doodles of distinction and quality that will make you the envy of your friends and colleagues.
Mark's number can be found in the Yellow Pages, usually scribbled in the margin under 'Heating Engineers', next to the crudely drawn picture of a rabbit.
Drum and Bass
Scientists conducting special experimental discos have concluded that drum and bass music is rubbish.
The discos took place under strict laboratory conditions and all the attendees were sterilised to avoid contamination. However, despite the introduction of copious amounts of alcohol, none of the experimenters managed to get off with anybody.
They are currently attempting to devise new forms of music based on more effective combinations of musical instruments. Piano and banjo music has already proved to be something a letdown. The trumpet and xylophone pairing showed promise at first, but ultimately failed. Meanwhile, against all expectations, penny whistle and maracas tunes have been going down a storm at carefully monitored raves in Ibiza.
Shrewsbury Woman to be Demolished to Make Way for Flyover
Our commiserations to Mr Alex Pollard of Shrewsbury, who has failed to prevent his local council from demolishing his wife in order to build a new flyover.
Mr Pollard first became aware of the council's intentions three years ago, and began a lengthy legal battle to prevent the demolition order being carried out. He has, during that time, persuaded the council to consider a number of alternative routes, the most feasible of which would have involved flattening Mrs Hewson at number forty-two, or blasting a tunnel through the woman who works at the launderette.
However, both these women have been declared areas of natural beauty and are therefore considered off-limits for development.
As a last-ditch attempt to save his wife, Mr Pollard has claimed that she is a site of historical significance, but in a recent hearing he failed to convince the board of English Heritage that she was the scene of one of the most significant battles of the Civil War. Work on the long-delayed flyover is now set to recommence and Mrs Pollard is scheduled to be blown up next Wednesday.
Mr Pollard is, understandably, most distressed by this news and believes there is more to this decision than meets the eye. Ten years ago, whilst swimming in the sea during a holiday in Bournemouth, his mother was identified as a danger to shipping and scuttled by the Royal Navy.
Mr Pollard believes, perhaps not unreasonably, that he is the victim of a plot and has warned other members of his family to be especially vigilant.
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