Getaway Driver Seeks Robbery
Martin 'Leadfoot' Gunner boasts that he is one of the fastest getaway drivers in the world.
Banks, betting shops, bullion vans - you name it, no one can get away from it faster than Martin 'Leadfoot' Gunner. Unfortunately, Martin always works alone, which means that although he is able to make a speedy escape from any predicament, he rarely has any need to, as there is never anyone with him to do the actual robbery.
The police regularly spot him sitting outside banks and post offices, engine running, before he suddenly tears off for no apparent reason. And whilst no theft is involved, Martin still manages to cause disruption and mayhem as he cuts up other traffic, careers down pavements and hurtles down narrow alleyways, sending cardboard boxes and oil drums flying.
He's been summonsed, fined and banned from driving several times, but none of this seems to slow him down. But now at last it looks like he's finally going straight, after being offered a job that will make the best use of his talents. He's going to be a bus driver.
Kitchen Olympics
This year's Kitchen Appliance Olympics once again pushed forward the barriers of food preparation technology, wowing the crowds and smashing some long-standing performance records.
Kevin McClusky was on fine form and managed to set a new world record for omelette preparation with the help of the modified Pifco Whiskomatic 500. There were also exciting scenes on the slicing and dicing front, with new standards being set by Kenwood's Mark III Cubivator, which has been specially redesigned for this event. Nevertheless, honourable mention must go to the runner up, Strumpet Industries' Vegomatic, which also put in a fine performance.
But the competition was not without its setbacks. Our sympathies go out to the unfortunate marshal who lost a finger to the MagiChop Sawmaster Deluxe when it careered out of control during the speed carving event. And, as you may have already heard, there was much concern during the closing ceremony when a Doughman's Computer Controlled Automated BreadBuddy exploded and covered everyone in the immediate vicinity with burning toast.
Ladder Ordeal Enters Sixteenth Hour
Concerns are growing for eight employees of a Leeds packaging firm who have been stranded at the top of a series of moderately-sized ladders since yesterday. Their ordeal began partway through a two day course in ladder safety, consisting of two modules - the first dealing with descent, the second tackling ascent. An administrative error led to the modules being delivered in the wrong order, resulting in most of the group getting trapped on the top rungs of their demonstration ladders, without having received the proper training to get back down again.
Concerned colleagues have been supplying them with sandwiches and hot drinks while options are considered for returning them to terra firma. We understand that the fire brigade have now been called and a trained ladder specialist is currently trying to talk the stricken trainees down by shouting encouraging instructions through a megaphone.
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