Sponsor Message

Welcome to Belper

With its busy shopping streets packed with unique independent businesses, its history and heritage, its parks, reserves and beautiful spaces, Belper in Derbyshire is a great place to visit.

Find out more about this thriving, historic market town here: belper.madhm.uk.

Welcome to Belper

WWW UBO

Liposuction

liposuction

"There are basically two schools of thought when it comes to the removal of excess fat," says Dr Hilliary Biscuit of the South East Yorkshire Clinic for the Cripplingly Obese. "There's sucking and there's blowing.

"Well, liposuction has been around for a while now, and it's had its chance. It's time for a new approach."

The new approach that Doctor Biscuit has in mind is to throw the whole procedure into reverse. Literally. He inserts a tube down the patient's throat, connects it to a powerful, industrial strength compressor and switches on - blasting that unwanted flab straight out of the patient's rear end.

"I won't deny that it comes as a bit of a shock to most people," Doctor Biscuit admits. "But at least it's quick. And anyway, as far as the patient is concerned it's a relatively simple procedure. It's the guy who has to stand at the other end with a bucket that I feel sorry for."

Monsters

A recent report released by the Home Office reveals a dramatic increase in the number of people being attacked by monsters.

In the first quarter of last year police stations across the UK received over 400 reports from members of the public who had been set upon by giant slavering beasties. That's 120 more than in the same period the previous year. What's more, it seems that the monsters themselves are becoming more fearsome, on average being two feet taller, with much sharper teeth, shaggier fur and even more bloodshot eyes.

Add to this the recent high profile outbreak of Trolls in the South East, plus an ongoing epidemic of Werewolves in Lancashire, and it becomes obvious that there is now a real cause for concern. In fact, experts predict that by this time next year the UK will be a 60% scarier place to live in.

Nail-It

The latest security craze from the West Coast is nailing your property to a wall, or similarly sturdy piece of architecture.

Don McCabe, vice president with security professionals Nail-It is confident that the technique will soon catch on in other parts of the world. "Theft is on the increase and naturally people are becoming more and more concerned about the safety of their valuables. Most burglars are not deterred by expensive wall safes or complicated alarm systems. But anyone who breaks into your home and sees your most prized possessions nailed to a wall is bound to think twice."

The system is cheap, effective and easy to install. Nail-It provides the hammer, a quantity of high tensile nails and clear, concise instructions on the best way to nail up that expensive jewellery, audio-visual equipment or antique furniture.

Alternatively, they can send trained nailing professionals around to your home to do it for you. And for those requiring extra-security, gluing, riveting and welding are also options.

"So far," says McCabe, "our customers have been very pleased with the service we offer. And recently we branched out into a whole new area. One local businessman, whose identity we have been asked to keep secret, approached us recently after learning that his family had been targeted by a kidnapping gang. We were on the scene straight away and stapled his kids to the floor. Rest assured, those little fellas aren't going anywhere."