Celebrity Pizza Therapy
The latest craze for the high-flying, celebrated and self-important elite is pizza therapy.
It's inventor, Ennio Ravioli, once owned a thriving pizza restaurant in Hollywood. Now he makes a fortune tending to the pizzas of the rich and famous, and Hollywood's 'A list' are happy to pay him anything up to $10,000 for a session.
By inspecting a celebrity's favourite pizza, and carefully examining the condition of the peppers or the sweetcorn, Ravioli claims he has a window into the troubled star's soul.
Often he can help just by suggesting an alternative topping. Sometimes happiness is only a pineapple chunk away. At other times more radical treatment is necessary and Ennio is required to adopt a 'hands on' approach - manipulating anchovies or stroking mushrooms in order to restore the perfect pizza balance.
However, not everyone is impressed by his work. One Hollywood starlet, who shall remain nameless, is currently seeking damages against Ravioli, claiming that during one session last October he took advantage of his position of trust and manhandled her pepperoni.
French Polishers
The arrest last week of French polisher, Mr Simon C. Horn, for interfering with a client's coffee table is just the latest in a series of high profile scandals that have rocked the industry.
Said Mr Horn, "I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't help myself. There was something about the heady aroma of the polish and the dusty atmosphere of the shop that I found simply intoxicating. The sight of Mrs Waverley's table just sitting there, waiting for me... the lustrous sheen of the veneer, the shapely curve of its legs... I just had to have it!"
A police spokesman assured the public that whilst this was just an isolated incident, they would be wise to take precautions when trusting their furniture to the care of strangers.
"There's a lot of sick bastards out there," he said. "So try not to let your wardrobe go out unattended, and, if possible, ensure your sideboard is back indoors before 10pm."
He latter added, strictly off the record, that he thought Mrs Waverley's coffee table was probably asking for it.
Police Crackdown on Agricultural Raves
Farmers are calling for stricter laws after an increase in the number of illegal raves being held on farmland in Southern England.
"The police don't seem to want to do anything about it," said landowner Dick Silage. "They don't seem to realise the damage it does. There's loud music going on till the early hours of the morning - me and the wife can't get a wink of sleep, so God knows what effect it's having on the livestock.
"Well I can't have my cows jigging about till dawn and popping 'E's every five minutes, now can I? And the sheep just haven't got the constitution for that kind of lifestyle. It has hit my egg production really hard - the hens can't be bothered to lay, 'cause they're up partying all night."
Chief Inspector Dan Pancake defended the police force's position and claimed that they were doing everything in their power to track down the organisers.
"We believe it's a gang of pigs from the city," he said. "We can't say very much at the moment, but we're following up a number of promising leads, and we're currently interviewing Mixmaster Porky Slicktrotter about his role in a spate of raves in Oxfordshire."
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