Speed Dating
People looking for love now have a much better chance of finding their perfect partner, thanks to the latest craze of 'Speed Dating'.
The new phenomenon currently sweeping the country involves men and women who are each introduced to a number of potential partners at speeds in excess of over 150 miles per hour. At these sorts of velocities most relationships progress at a greatly increased rate.
The practical upshot of this is that couples can meet, get to know each other, argue, fall out and end up bitterly despising each other all in the space of approximately three minutes.
The practice is an off-shoot of the slightly less romantic 'Pressure Dating' in which couples are trussed up in diving suits, thrown out of a boat and allowed to plummet to depths of over fifty fathoms as a test to see if they're really serious about this whole relationship business.
RAF Discontinues Use of Sticky Tape
The RAF have recently stopped using sticky tape to stop pilots falling out of their planes, ending a tradition that stretches back more than fifty years.
Prior to 1962 the Royal Air Force found that it was mysteriously losing many of its aircrews. Planes would return to their airfields completely empty, and military boffins were simply unable to account for the disappearances.
After lengthy investigation it was discovered that pilots and navigators were simply falling out of their cockpits as they performed complex loop-the-loop manoeuvres, and so it was decided to stick them to their seats using adhesive tape such as Scotch Tape and military grade Sellotape. However, the Ministry of Defence has recently decided that it must abandon such archaic technology if it wants to maintain a credible military strike force. In the future air chiefs plan to use Blu-tack instead.
Navy Seeks Refund for Submarine
The Royal Navy are sending their latest nuclear submarine, HMS Genocide, back to the shipyard in Humberside where it was built.
"I bought it for my cousin's birthday," said Rear Admiral Sir John Hoary-Nutter, "but he's got one already, so I want to get my money back."
The shipyard, however, is refusing to issue a refund, because the submarine is not being returned in its original packaging. They're offering to compromise by exchanging it for a couple of frigates, but the Navy claims this is unacceptable.
"We know our rights," said the Rear Admiral. "We've got twenty-eight days to return it, that's the law. My Lieutenant once had a Saturday job at WH Smith, so we know what the score is. We want a full refund, we want it now, and if we don't get it we're going to complain to Trading Standards."
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