Tuesdays
Mrs Alice Sideways' Campaign for the Abolition of Tuesdays is gathering pace, especially now that her pressure group has gained the support of backbench Labour MP, the Right Honourable Kenneth Trolley.
"I've never been particularly fond of Tuesdays, and I don't think I've ever made a secret of that," said Mr Trolley at a recent press conference. "In fact, back in 1984 I was part of a commission set up to look into the possibility of trimming the day down to a more manageable nineteen and a half hours.
"I was particularly keen to lose a couple of hours in the late afternoon, and public reaction at the time indicated that we could also have cut the period between 7.30 and 8 o'clock in the evening without meeting too much opposition. In the event, the proposal came to nothing as it was deemed that the whole thing would be too expensive."
Nevertheless, the project has never really gone away, and has its supporters in all levels of government. It's generally agreed that the removal of Tuesday would go a long way towards streamlining the whole week, and there are even a few members of the current cabinet who are in favour of tearing a chunk out of Wednesday as well.
The only obstacle has been the cost, but help may be just across the Channel. There is hope that an Anglo-French attempt at shortening the week would spread the cost and thus make the whole thing more feasible.
"Let's hope it's a success, and the sooner the better!" says Mr Trolley. "Personally, I find stupid bloody Tuesdays dull, objectionable and smelly, and I for one can't wait until it's had its day."
Usherette Misses Out on Award Again
"It's blatant discrimination. Nothing more, nothing less. That award should have been mine." So said Candice Floss in a hastily convened press conference in the community centre yesterday. Miss Floss, part time drama student and full time usherette at the Gaumont Theatre and Bingo Hall, was referring to her disappointment at once more missing out on the Best Supporting Artist Oscar at this year's Academy Awards for her sterling work selling ice creams in the lobby.
"Tell me where it says that I actually have to be in the film in order to win and award?" the tearful Miss Floss was reported to have demanded. "Go on, where? I'm an important figure in the film world. I contribute significantly to movie-goers' enjoyment. It's only right that I should expect my talent to be recognised, and yet the judging panel continues to shun me on the wafer-thin pretext that 'they've never heard of me'."
"I think Candice has a valid point," said Stinky Keith who works on the popcorn stand. "She is brilliant at selling ice creams. She hardly ever drops them and she has a really lovely smile. I too know what it is to be shunned for no adequate reason - in my case it's a mild body odour problem which everyone blows way out of proportion. I feel that we are kindred spirits, Candice and me, and I hope that one day she will overlook my hardly noticeable aroma issues and consent to go out with me."
Readers wishing to know more about Miss Floss's remarkable career to date can read the full interview in tomorrow's Evening Telegraph, right next to the story about the man from the butcher's who has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his tax return and beneath an item about a woman who is teaching her horse to knit.
New Rules for Vampires
New rules will shortly come into effect which will define vampirism as a protected characteristic. This will make it a criminal offence to discriminate against people who 'have something of the night about them'. Derogatory terms such as 'fangface', 'pasty-faced coffin jockey' and 'haemogobbler' will be outlawed and employers and providers of public services will be required to introduce special adaptations such as blackout curtains, garlic-free zones and vampire-friendly mirrors.
The legislation will also affect other supernatural beings, resulting in greater protections for zombies in the workplace and the provision of emergency bandaging stations for mummies. Additionally, for the first time ever the Loch Ness Monster will be eligible for maternity leave.
However, not everyone is included in the new rules and this has led to some discontent. "It's political correctness gone mad," said Colin Smith, a werewolf from Dagenham. "I mean, it's all very well giving vampires and goblins and heaven knows what an easy time of it, but if I take a dump in the park then spend the rest of day licking my balls, there's hell to pay."
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