A Boost for Industry
British industry received a boost when aviation giant Airfix recently announced a four billion pound contract to supply military fighter jets to the tiny island state of Joboba.
Although they have been a leading player in the aircraft industry for many years, Airfix have only limited experience in building full sized aeroplanes.
Nevertheless, their new aircraft - the 'UHU-1' - is set to turn the industry on its head by introducing a host of new innovations. It will be the first fighter aircraft to be delivered in kit form, coming in a number of snap-together sections which are fixed with strong adhesive. Each plane is packaged in its own cardboard box with easy-to-follow, step-by-step instructions, and comes with a selection of decals and insignias.
Flight Lieutenant Guiovanni Gregoryov of the Joboba National Air Force is delighted with initial deliveries of the aircraft, claiming that the colourfully illustrated instruction leaflet makes the plane a joy to put together.
"I particularly enjoyed painting the little man inside the cockpit," Guiovanni told us. "I've given him a nice green flight suit and a smiley pink face."
This is just the first phase in modernising Joboba's military forces, and Airfix are not the only company due to benefit from the programme. Last month the Joboban Army placed an order with furniture giant Ikea, and will soon take delivery of over four thousand flat-pack missile launchers
Buglers
Mr Alfred Brindley, a tool fitter from Leicestershire, returned home from work yesterday to find that, due to a typing error, his house had been bugled.
This is the latest in a spate of particularly nasty typing errors to be reported in the Midlands during the last few weeks.
Forensic experts believe that the buglers broke into Mr Brindley's house through an unsecured upstairs window, then proceeded to play their instruments loudly and recklessly until they were disturbed by a meter reader.
They then fled, leaving several pages of discarded sheet music behind them. Detectives believe that the same buglers are also responsible for other attacks in the area, although they cannot rule out the possibility that a number of trombonists were also involved.
In a statement to the press, Leicestershire Constabulary has promised that more resources will be diverted into the attempt to get these vicious typing errors stopped. In the meantime, they offer their sincerest condolences to the unfortunate victims.
"These attacks are irritating and unpleasant, but we must remember that it could be a lot worse," commented Chief Inspector John Quigley, who was himself buggered only last month.
Perfect Circle
Dr Gaseous Ballcock of the Huddersfield Academy of Performing Seals claims to have developed what he calls the world's first 'perfect circle'.
This, he explains is a circle in which the ratio of the diameter to the circumference can be expressed as a whole number.
"I wanted to invent a circle in which you could simply multiply the diameter by four in order to find the circumference," Dr Ballcock explained. "This does away with all that nasty 'pi' business, which I could never really get a handle on anyway. I don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but I think my circle is a vast improvement over the old model."
Dr Ballcock kicked off his career in experimental geometry with an ambitious attempt to flatten triangles to make them more user-friendly, an endeavour in which he failed spectacularly. Undeterred, he later enjoyed some success with a project to round off hexagons, and was a valuable member of the international team put together to stretch dodecahedrons.
His new work on circles will have profound repercussions in a number of important areas, most notably engineering, rocketry and plumbing. But Dr Ballcock himself is far more excited about a quite different application.
"It's going to completely change the way we look at doughnuts," he told us animatedly. "They're going to be bigger, fatter and have more jam in them. Personally, I can't wait."
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