Cornwall on Loan to USA
The picturesque English county of Cornwall is currently on loan to the United States.
In what proved to be a remarkable feat of landscape engineering, it was cut adrift last week and towed across the Atlantic. It is currently anchored in Boston harbour, where it will remain for the next six months before moving on to New York, the Florida coast and then a brief tour of the Caribbean.
In return, the United Kingdom will be playing host to Baltimore, which will be dropped by parachute in a series of small crates, and then reassembled in a field outside Stratford.
Darrens on the Decline in Essex
Zoologists are seriously concerned about the falling numbers of Darrens in Essex.
Population levels have been steadily declining since the late eighties, and if the trend continues the numbers could dwindle to below a sustainable threshold in just two years.
Researchers blame this on the introduction of Garys from neighbouring Sussex. The first Garys were spotted in the area about twelve years ago, possibly after stowing themselves away inside baskets of fruit, or under the wheel arches of Transit vans.
This initial invasion rapidly grew into an epidemic as literally thousands of Garys flooded into the area, displacing the native population of Darrens and getting off with their girlfriends.
Nowadays there are no Darrens to be found anywhere in Braintree or Southminster, and only a small protected colony in Saffron Walden. However, biologists at Essex University have two very healthy captive specimens and hope to use them for breeding purposes.
But then, whatever biologists get up to in their spare time is entirely their own affair.
Distribution map of Darrens and Garys in Essex
(© The National Darren Observatory)
Electrosausages
Simon Cocksure, an amateur inventor from Sutton Coldfield, has discovered that, when kept at a temperature of -5°C, pork sausages are an excellent electrical conductor.
Further tests have revealed that a 50% pork/beef mixture gives even better results.
Quite how Mr Cocksure came to make this astounding discovery is in itself something of a mystery. Sausages are not generally considered part of standard laboratory equipment, and their properties - electrical or otherwise - have been largely overlooked by many researchers.
Cocksure, however, believes that sausages may provide the key to creating a more energy-efficient branch of electrical engineering. Indeed, his belief is so strong that he has given up his job and invested his life savings in developing the new technology, converting his own ninteenth century semi-detatched cottage.
At great expense, the amateur inventor has fitted specialist refrigeration equipment designed to keep the walls of his house at a constant temperature, installed a new generator and junction box capable of handling the increased loads, and replaced all of his wiring with sausages.
Now his lights don't work.
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