McDonald's Opens New Branch in the Atlantic
Radical new developments in marine research have allowed giant burger chain McDonalds to open up its latest branch in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Scientists at their top secret research labs in Mexico have perfected a technique of successfully waterproofing Big Macs, allowing the popular burgers to be eaten at depths of up to ten fathoms without any loss of flavour.
Experiments were first carried out in the late seventies, but were abandoned when researchers were unable to prevent mayonnaise bleeding into the surrounding seawater. However, recent advances in bun technology have now made it possible to precisely machine the burgers so that the two halves form a watertight seal.
This has also solved the problem of gherkins escaping and floating to the surface - admittedly no great loss in terms of burger flavour, but of great concern to environmentalists worried about possible gherkin slicks.
So far, business has been slow for McDonald's mid-Atlantic branch, but manager Christian Pyle isn't too worried.
"The problem is there isn't much passing trade - just cruise ships, fishing boats and the occasional diver wanting directions to the Titanic. But it's early days yet - I'm sure things will pick up once word gets around," he mumbled incoherently through a snorkel.
Nelson's Travel Kettle
Archaeologists have unearthed Admiral Lord Nelson's travel kettle during an excavation in Plymouth.
The kettle was amongst a number of the famous sea captain's personal effects that were discovered during digging for a new shopping centre.
Also discovered was his electric shaver, his personal footspa, a thing for shaving jumpers, his comedy horned Viking helmet, an English-Spanish phrasebook and a picture of Al Jolson signed, 'To Horatio, give 'em hell! Love Al'.
These items will go on display at the British Museum, alongside a TV remote that reputedly once belonged to the Duke of Wellington.
Large Organ
The Guinness Book of Records has confirmed that Mr Harold Pogley of Warminster has the largest organ in the UK, exceeding the previous record by four inches.
"It is quite a whopper," he admits. "I used to play with it quite a lot when I was younger. I never thought that there was anything special about it at the time, but when my girlfriend saw it recently she was quite taken aback. She told me that it could be a record breaker."
Mr Pogley was initially very uncomfortable with the interest in his massive organ.
"At first I found it extremely embarrassing when total strangers came knocking on my door, asking to see my organ," he told us. "But I soon adjusted to my new found fame. Nowadays I'm not the least bit self-conscious when I present it in public.
"I'm often called upon to display it at the local library, where I invite people to touch it."
Readers will have a chance to see and hear Mr Pogley's extraordinary organ for themselves when he begins a national concert tour next month. He has promised that it will be a treat for all fans of organ music, and he plans to play many old favourites.
"I also have a big cock," says Mr Pogley.
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