Climbing the Orinoco
In just a few short weeks, if all goes to plan, the name Elton Studsworthy will be a household word.
Two household words, in fact, for if he is successful Mr Studsworthy will be the first person in history to climb the Orinoco.
Mr Studsworthy has been climbing for over twenty-five years. Not continuously, obviously - that would be silly. Nevertheless, he has managed to conquer some of the most formidable slopes this planet has to offer, including K2, Makalu and Nanga Parbat (go on - look them up).
He's also done Everest the hard way - backwards up the North Face, whilst blindfolded and wearing a flaming straitjacket.
For such an accomplished climber there are very few challenges left, and so now that he has conquered the world's tallest peaks, Studsworthy has set himself the task of climbing the world's longest rivers.
Studsworthy has chosen the Orinoco for his first river climb as he believes it should not present him with too much of a challenge. He has already spent a great deal of time waterproofing his crampons and treating his tent with a specially developed piranha repellent.
And if this attempt is successful, he hopes to tackle the Zambezi next spring.
Man Picks Fight with Pacific Ocean
Unemployed welder Desmond Omelette, 42, of Leeds has been charged with assaulting the Pacific Ocean.
According to Mr Omelette, he and his wife were sitting in the Coach and Horses one evening, enjoying a quiet drink, when the Pacific Ocean walked in and started behaving in a loud and abusive manner.
"It was well out of order," Mr Omelette recalls. "There we were, minding our own business, and suddenly we were treated to a tirade of foul and insulting language.
"Obviously it had been drinking, but that's no excuse. I don't take that kind of talk from anyone, even if they are a major geographical feature."
Police were called to the pub to find Mr Omelette and the Pacific Ocean brawling in the car park. Mr Omelette is due to appear in court next month and there is a very good chance that the incident could result in a custodial sentence, as this is not his first offence.
Only last year he was charged with affray after starting a fight with the Red Sea in the freezer aisle of a local supermarket.
And in 1989 he was cautioned following an argument with Mount Kilimanjaro in a city centre night-club.
Operation Scorched Earth
Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news following the introduction of his latest radical anti-crime initiative.
"We've experienced a sharp increase in burglaries during the past couple of years," the Chief Inspector told us. "Hello, yes? Well, these naughty chappies have been breaking into people's houses and having it away with their valuables, don't you know. Well, we can't be having that - not if they're not prepared to cut us in. So that's why we here in the Essex constabulation have initiated Operation Scorched Earth."
The emphasis of Operation Scorched Earth is on crime prevention rather than detection. Householders are invited to take their property down to their local police station, where trained crime prevention officers will carefully note down serial numbers and distinguishing features, mark the item with a special ultraviolet pen, then incinerate it will a heavy duty flame thrower.
"The idea behind Scorched Earth is that if you remove the temptation, you remove the likelihood of crime," the Chief Inspector explained. "Thank you, yes? You see, your criminal type is a smart fellow. He's not going to waste time and energy breaking into your house if he knows your telly's been reduced to a pile of ashes. Oh no - the street value of a bag of ashes is practically nothing. We know this, because we've done a survey."
The operation has so far proved to be a remarkable success, slashing the number of burglaries in the area. So successful, in fact, that the Chief Inspector plans to extend the scheme for another six months.
"We're not going to rest until we have completely eliminated the threat of burglaration from our streets," he told us. "Or at least, not until we've come to some sort of arrangement regarding remuneration, anyway. Thank you very much."
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