Special Powers
In response to the rise in instances of violent crime, the Home Secretary has recently announced that Police Forces in England and Wales will be given new powers to deal with potential trouble makers.
Under the new proposals, police officers will be equipped with X-ray vision, superhuman strength and amazing powers of telepathic mind control. Rumours that they will be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound have so far remained unconfirmed.
In Scotland many policeman already have the ability to turn themselves into human dynamos and deliver paralysing bolts of electricity that can stun up to a distance of twenty-five yards.
At present these measures have been taken on an experimental basis, but if the scheme proves successful we could soon see officers with the ability to transform into huge green lizard men, like those in America.
Although this move has been greeted favourably in most quarters, there remains a sizeable minority who believe that such measures are unnecessary, claiming that the traditional police truncheon is more than adequate for dealing with the majority of incidents.
Surrealist Muggings
Police in the Midlands have been baffled by an outbreak of surrealist muggings in the region.
In the latest incident, 38 year old swimming pool attendant Tracey Sponge was held up as she used a city centre cash machine.
"I had just collected my money when this youth jumped out, pointed a loaded chicken at me and told me he was an electric tree. Then he gave me fifty quid and ran off."
The West Midlands Silly Crimes Squad have drafted in extra officers to deal with these incidents. In particular they are looking into the case of three young men from Solihull who claim they were on their way to a local night-spot when they were robbed at knifepoint by the colour blue.
*@%£!
What is the difference between man and machine? What separates human intelligence from the mechanical logic of the computerised mind? What, if anything, makes human consciousness unique within the infinite universe?
Is it the ability to think intuitively, to make random and apparently irrational decisions? Is it the imagination that allows us to bridge the gap between the commonplace and the possible? Is it the ability to love, to feel compassion, or any of that Star Trek stuff?
Well, according to Professor Brinkley Tramlines, the difference between man and mechanism can be defined very easily - it's the ability to swear.
"Too fucking right," says Professor Tramlines. "These bastard super computers don't know crap about the real world. They're all locked up safely in twatting laboratories, working out frigging chess problems. Arseholes! They haven't got a sodding clue about the kind of shit that real people have put up with.
"And they say that one day computers will run the world - Ha! Bollocks to that. You try looking up 'twatty flaps' in your spellchecker and see what you get. Trust me, we won't succeed at producing real machine intelligence until we finally come up with a toaster that can tell you to piss off."
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