Teleportation Breakthrough
One of the age-old dreams of science fiction writers may very soon be a reality.
We are all familiar with the concept of teleportation from popular TV programmes like Star Trek, EastEnders and Cheers. Now scientists in Norway have discovered that - in theory, at least - teleportation is feasible.
There are, however, limitations. Due to the phenomenal amounts of energy required, the furthest distance it would be possible to transport any object is two and a half feet.
The team believes that in less than two years it can have a fully-functional teleportation device up and running. It is expected to cost around two and a half billion pounds, require the entire energy output of western Europe, and be extremely useful for getting things down out of high cupboards.
Toaster Suicide
A local man was admitted to hospital today with severe burns to his left ear after trying to kill himself by sticking his head in a live toaster.
Mr Percy Crump - real name, 'Mary Spanner' - explained that he originally intended to commit suicide by gassing himself in his oven, but after his supply was cut off, he was forced to improvise with a number of other kitchen gadgets.
After stabbing himself repeatedly in the head with a plastic spoon, then trying to whisk himself to death with a 'Pifco Magimix', he eventually succeeded in wedging his ear into one of the slots of his toaster.
Ambulance crews were alerted by a neighbour, who witnessed Crump running around his kitchen with the appliance stuck to the side of his head, 'screaming like a mentalist'. In hospital, it emerged that the toaster had been set on 'Medium' and that Mr Crump's ear could be saved as it had only been partially cooked.
A spokesman for Morphy Richards - manufacturers of Mr Crump's toaster - apologised that the ear had not been cooked all the way through, but pointed out that 'Medium' is only an approximate setting and that different results are often obtained according to the thickness of the bread - or the ear - being toasted.
Tosser
Residents in Trenton, New Jersey, are raising money to send local boy Milton Pope to New York, so that he can push a pig off the top of the Empire State Building.
To our knowledge, no one has ever pushed a pig off the top of the Empire State before, although in 1962 a ram was ejected from a window on the 75th floor. There are also unconfirmed reports of a racoon seen teetering on a balcony at various times during the winter of 1975.
Only last week, Pope very nearly succeeded in shoving a rabbit off the top of his local all-night gas station. Nevertheless, he isn't complacent about his chances in New York, and realises that he will have to undergo a good deal more training before he's ready to tackle 'the big one' as he calls it. He's been practising his technique for many months now, and much care and consideration has gone into the selection of the right pig.
Pushing farmyard animals from the top of tall buildings was briefly popular in the forties and early fifties, but the practice has been in decline in recent years. Nevertheless, Milton Pope is a driven man. When asked by a local newspaper exactly why he wanted to push a pig off the famous landmark, he replied simply, "Hey, everyone's gotta have a hobby."
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