Ambulance Crews Fail to Respond to Serious Belching
A Norfolk man is seeking to sue the local ambulance service after they took nearly three quarters of an hour to respond to a violent outbreak of wind.
Dennis Findus was at home one Sunday afternoon when a ferocious and prolonged belch knocked him off his feet and startled the dog.
"It came out of nowhere," Mr Findus said. "One minute I was leaning over to switch on the TV for Countryfile, the next I was flat on my back behind the coffee table, staring up at the cobwebs around the light fitting and wondering why one of my slippers was on top of the bookcase."
Mr Findus puts the episode down to a combination of a heavy lunch, four cans of lager and unusually high air pressure for the time of year.
"It was a perfect storm," he said. "But I knew that there was more to come and I had to get help as quickly as possible. I remembered from my basic first aid training that it's best to avoid any sudden movements or changes in altitude, so I remained on my back and inched over to the phone."
Official records show that the ambulance took 42 minutes to respond. To Mr Findus, lying in mortal peril on his living room floor, it seemed much longer.
"The operator stayed on the line and tried to keep me calm," he said. "But there wasn't much she could really do. After all, she was safe and cosy in some operations room somewhere, whereas I was at the epicentre of a terrific outpouring of noxious gas and in constant fear that more was on its way. It was a nightmare."
In a statement yesterday, ambulance service bosses say that they regret any distress that Mr Findus may have experienced, but at the time all their units were attending a fart on the other side of town.
Geoffrey Clanger: No Parking
A renaming committee has decided that henceforth Mr Geoffrey Clanger of Dunstable will be known as 'Coronation Avenue' in honour of His Majesty King Charles III.
However, concerns have been raised, not just because this is a somewhat belated reference to the monarch's accession to the throne, but also because Mr Clanger is not a street - he is in fact a 42-year-old window cleaner who has recently moved to the area from Poole.
The new name has led to a number of problems, not least the sudden increase in traffic up his spine and several cars being parked in his armpits overnight.
Mr Clanger sent a strongly worded complaint to the council and, although he is not entirely satisfied with their response, he is a least grateful that they have introduced parking restrictions.
From now on anyone leaving a vehicle unattended in the nape of his neck will be clamped and contractors are coming to paint yellow lines up his back on Tuesday.
Today on the Dog Exchange
There was frantic action on the Dog Exchange this morning after a sharp dip in Terriers sparked a run on Airedales, Jack Russells and West Highland Whites.
Not surprisingly, Greyhounds got off to a cracking start and gave everyone a good run for their money. Trading stabilised by lunchtime, with Foxhounds putting in a strong showing and there was a steady rise in the unit price of Labradors.
Whippets were bullish but Bulldogs failed to whip up any interest. Pundits were confidently expecting some movement in Bloodhounds during the afternoon, although they remained sluggish throughout the day and only began to show any signs of stirring around teatime.
But today was all about Border Collies. When news broke of high-pressure blowouts during the English National Sheepdog Trials, investors were sent into a spin and trading had to be briefly suspended to prevent panic selling. Hopefully an improved performance tomorrow will prove that there's life in these old dogs yet.
Our tips for the week ahead: Deerhounds are likely to be going cheap, but let sleeping Bassets lie.
Note: The value of your poodle can go down as well as up.
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