Drivers!
Are you rude, cantankerous, bigoted and unpleasant? Do you have a porn 'tache, a seventies comb-over and a belly that can be seen from space? Do you wait until someone is overtaking you before pulling out from the side of the road? Do you force cyclists onto the verge and pigheadedly obstruct junctions while waiting in traffic?
If the answer to all these questions is yes, then we need you to drive our bus.
Not everyone has it in them to be a bus driver. You may think you're an inconsiderate motorist, but it takes a special kind of arrogance to drive a bus. Here at the Bus Drivers' Federation (Correct Fare Only), we pride ourselves on being the number one nuisance on the roads, and we don't intend to let our standards slip.
So if you think you've got what it takes to be a right royal pain in the arse with no thought for the safety or convenience of anyone else on the road, give us a call today.
Subterranean Elephants
A new breed of subterranean elephant has been discovered by a team building an extension to the Paris Metro.
The workers were first alerted to something unusual when they heard a distant, muffled trumpeting noise. Thinking that this was just the distorted sounds of traffic above ground, they were about to stop for lunch when they suddenly met up with the burrowing pachyderms digging in the opposite direction.
Chief Engineer Claude Bêche says that his team were 'mildly alarmed' when the elephants broke through and started trampling all over their equipment, and 'slightly concerned' when the creatures stole all their sandwiches and disappeared back down the tunnel.
Professor Henri Ivoire, a lecturer in Crabs at the University of Bordeaux, is the closest thing to an elephant expert that could be found at short notice. He was extremely surprised to find wild elephants this far north.
"We know that there were elephants in Europe in olden times, but it is believed that these all died out in the early seventies. It's thought that the rapidly changing climate caused their shells to shrivel up and their claws to drop off."
His theory is that a colony of elephants was driven underground as a result of human encroachment on their habitat. He believes that they survived on worms and beetles, and occasionally ventured up top to carry out lightening raids on bun shops. Local reports of extremely large molehills appear to support this theory.
Work on the extension has now been halted while experts evaluate the situation. At first it was hoped that the elephant tunnels could be incorporated into the network, speeding up the work considerably. However, it seems that they are not suitable.
Elephants are industrious tunnellers but they know twat all about civil engineering, which is why many construction companies refuse to employ them. It seems that far from assisting the project, their presence is actually a hindrance and work is currently underway to design giant spring-loaded elephant traps to deal with the menace once and for all.
Fishys
Millicent Lunge, a ladybread seller from Daventry, is spearheading a campaign to have keys put on the insides of pilchard tins, so that pilchards that aren't quite stiff-dead can let themselves out. Apparently this is a big achy headproblem for many fish, who frequently find themselves tinned alive. Poor fishys - it's so difficult to tell whether they are all sleepy-bedy or croaky-deady, so they all get jumbled up together and wake in the oily darkness in a frightful shiverpanic. Nasty time.
Scientist men say that brain death for fish is when they look all slimy-gormless, which is why so many are pronounced deceased even though they still flip flap about and squirt water in your eye. Ms Millicent says that insidey keys will end this inhuman badness and allow not-dead fishys to escape, so that they can expire with dignity in the back of your cupboard. Awwww.
She also wants zippers put on bags of prawns.
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