Man Takes Out Restraining Order on Himself
'I've been stalking myself for years,' says victim.
Jacob Bullsmoor has achieved a legal first by becoming the first man to take out a restraining order on himself. Speaking outside the courtroom shortly after the judge granted the historic order, Mr Bullsmoor said that he was greatly relieved, and he hoped that it had finally brought to an end an extremely distressing chapter in his life.
"It's hard to pinpoint when it all began," he explained to journalists. "I think it was about eight or nine years ago that I first started to see this guy hanging around. It was unnerving: I just kept getting glimpses of him out of the corner of my eye - reflected in a plate glass window, a car windscreen, a mirror. One time, in a restaurant, I even caught sight of his hideous, distorted features in a spoon. It was chilling, I can tell you."
Mr Bullsmoor became increasingly convinced that he was being stalked and made a complaint to the police. At the station they went through a collection of mugshots to see if he could identify the man, but he drew a blank. It was only when he caught sight of his own face in a CCTV monitor that he realised the awful truth that he had been harassing himself.
"Unfortunately, the police said that they couldn't do anything about it," Bullsmoor said. "They told me that as we were technically part of the same household, this was a domestic dispute and therefore they couldn't touch it. I thought they were a bit too quick to wash their hands of it, personally, but what can you do? They suggested that I try to deal with this personally, on a one-to-one basis, and so one day I persuaded myself to sit down and talk it through."
Ultimately, Mr Bullsmoor found that he couldn't see eye-to-eye with himself. He tried counselling, but during the session things got a little heated and he ended up angrily throwing a vase at himself. In desperation, he began a private legal action. It was expected that the case, in which he was simultaneously plaintiff and respondent, would be thrown out of court. However, the judge, Justice Henry Malfeasance, surprised everyone by granting the restraining order, saying in his summing up that it had been a long hard day and he didn't care anymore.
This decision means that Mr Bullsmoor is not lawfully allowed to be within three miles of himself, which is why he was arrested ten minutes after leaving the court. He has now been charged with breaching the order, and both of him are due to appear before the magistrate next Tuesday.
Dog Gives Birth to Fiat Punto
In what is thought to be both a veterinary and automotive first, a dog in Milan has given birth to a Fiat Punto. The dog, a Golden Retriever called Sofia, produced the car after going into labour last month, much to the surprise of its owner, Lorenzo Casellati, who was expecting a Renault Twingo.
"I don't understand it," Lorenzo said, but in Italian. "Sofia is such a good dog, this just isn't like her. I don't know who the father is, but I've noticed that there is a sporty twin-exhaust Volkswagen usually parked around the corner, and I wouldn't trust it an inch."
Whilst most car enthusiasts agree that this is certainly unusual, some more fundamentalist petrol-heads have gone one stage further and are claiming that it is a miracle. This is a sign, they say, and it precedes a great rapture during which it will rain Citroen Picassos from the heavens and the land will burst asunder and Vauxhall Corsas shall issue from the bowels of the Earth.
Cynics have responded that we have heard this all before. They point to the time several years ago when a Labrador in Turkey gave birth to a motorbike, which turned out to be nothing more than a premature mongrel with an oddly shaped head.
Single Yellow Line Painter Sees Promotion
After a career spanning fifty years, professional road marker Lionel Dawber has finally been promoted to painting double yellow lines. "I've spent most of my working life painting single yellow lines, so this is a real honour," said Mr Dawber. "Now that I'm on the double yellows it's twice the responsibility and twice the job satisfaction."
Unfortunately the promotion doesn't also mean twice the pay, but Mr Dawber is not disheartened. After all, the council has given him a new brush and he's delighted that his skill and expertise have finally been recognised after all this time.
"People think that my job is all about painting straight lines," Mr Dawber told us. "But they couldn't be more wrong. Sometimes I have to go around corners as well, and that's the tricky bit, see. The knack is you need to know when to paint the lines straight and when to paint 'em bent. And that's where my years of experience come in."
Mr Dawber retires next month.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2025, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
