Judge Told to Bugger Off
There were scenes of confusion at Rutland Crown Court yesterday when angry defendant Carl Spanners told the judge to 'bugger off', and he did. This is thought to be the first time that a sitting judge has acted upon the instruction of a defendant, and there are concerns that this may set a legal precedent.
As a serving police officer, Constable Gavin Trotter has attended many criminal hearings, either as a witness, as a police escort or, occasionally, as a defendant. He was present in court on this occasion and was stunned by what took place.
"I was proper gobsmacked," he told us. "It ain't unusual for a felon to get a bit lippy, but it's nothing that a belt around the back of the 'ead wiv a truncheon won't fix. And if fings get really rowdy the judge can always clear the court, and that gives us an opportunity to go to town on the scumbag good and proper, like. One time, I even seen a judge hitch up his robes and get stuck in himself. But this... Well, it makes you wonder what the world is coming to, don't it?"
According to reports, the incident happened after Mr Spanners became quite excitable in response to the prosecution's line of questioning. The judge, Mr Ernest Barrow, interceded to request that the defendant refrain from raising his voice, at which point Mr Spanners told him, "Bugger off and bother someone else, you ponced-up ermine-clad transvestite." Mr Barrow then got to his feet, said calmly, "Very well," then left. He has not been seen since.
"It seems that Mr Barrow has not merely buggered off - he has, to use the correct statutory phrase, buggered right off," said legal historian and commentator Giles Tremble. "In fact, to my knowledge, there has never been a case in which the judge has buggered off to this extent before. The closest comparable episode was in 1856 when a magistrate temporarily went missing during a boundary dispute, but was discovered three hours later hiding behind a curtain in a snooker hall.
"However," Mr Tremble continued, "perhaps we shouldn't be surprised by these latest events. Ernest Barrow is a stickler for process and notoriously thorough, so if he feels that it is his constitutional duty to bugger off, then he's going to bloody well bugger off properly."
All this means that the case of His Majesty versus Carl Spanners will have to be abandoned and a retrial will be ordered. It is not known whether the defendant will use the 'bugger off' defence again, but experts believe that since it has already proven so effective, there's really no reason why he wouldn't.
Legless
After being caught in a storm on Dartmoor yesterday, keen rambler Daisy Boot astounded rescue services by somehow managing to drag herself to safety with a broken leg.
"It wasn't my leg, " Daisy said, keen to correct any misunderstanding. "I found it. I'm quite anxious to reunite it with its owner, so if anyone recognises the sock, please do get in touch."
Bob Flapjack, senior ranger at Dartmoor National Park, explained that careless hikers are always leaving their body parts on the moors and so he encourages people to take a bin bag with them when they go out walking. "Technically, it's littering," he said, "and it could result in a hefty fine. Over the last few months we've had four elbows, a pair of knees and three buttocks handed in. It's the buttocks that are the real puzzle. I mean, three? What's going on there, then?"
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