Man Shreds Birth Certificate, Ceases to Exist
Ollie Packer has officially ceased to exist since accidentally shredding his birth certificate.
"I thought it was about time I decluttered," said Packer. "So I got rid of all the junk - old bank statements, expired insurance schedules, wage slips ... and also my birth certificate. I mean, I've already been born - here I am. I'm not planning on getting born again so I figure I don't need it."
Wrong. Packer has pulled off the legal equivalent of disappearing up his own hole, and here's the science: without proof of birth, this brainiac has become a zero-potential metaphysical concept with no real-time existence as an objective spacio-temporal event. Ha, that'll learn him. But you don't need to know that; all you need to know is that he can't get a passport and no one will serve him at the post office.
So far, all of Packer's attempts to establish his credentials as an actual human person have been a fat lot of no good at all. He cannot apply for a replacement certificate because he doesn't exist. He doesn't have a driving licence because he doesn't exist. He doesn't have a passport because... You can see how this 'not existing' lark is something of a pain in the padding. He has even attempted to get a letter of corporeality from his doctor but is unable to get past the dickhead of an automated booking system because it refuses to recognise him as a real entity.
But there is one last hope for Packer - because of some sort of legal doodah he can register himself as a racehorse.
"The British Horseracing Authority has welcomed me with open fetlocks," he told us, assuming we were interested. "Ok, so it means a diet of oats and I've got a visit to the vets tomorrow that I'm really not looking forward to, but none of that will matter when I'm waiting in the starting gate at Kempton Park next Saturday. And we're off!"
Local Businessman Loses Ownership of his own Legs
Orville Crumble thought he was on to a good thing when he decided to float his legs on the stock exchange but, following the purchase of his knees last month by a Japanese investment conglomerate, Mr Crumble has now lost outright control of the lower half of his body.
...'Orville Crumble', what kind of a name is that? Anyway, let's crack on...
"I've been a bloody fool," Mr Crumble admits, as if it wasn't obvious. "I should have realised that there was a risk of losing my status as majority shareholder when I sold my shins before Christmas. Now I simply don't have a leg to stand on and have been forced to lease back my own feet. Honestly, I could kick myself, if the small print allowed for it."
Having learned that plans are afoot to open his legs to the public, Mr Crumble has decided to dig his heels in and has launched a legal challenge which he hopes will finally kick the scheme into touch. He stands a good chance, but unfortunately he has just learned that a Panamanian property developer is contemplating an aggressive takeover bid for his elbows.
Orville Crumble's legs appear in this item by kind permission of Mitsubishi UFJ Financial.
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