Small Lump of Coal Appointed New Head of Advertising Standards Authority
In what is thought to be a world first, a small piece of coal has been given the top job at the Advertising Standards Authority, a move which has prompted considerable criticism. Doubts have been raised over whether a mineral has the necessary skills and experience to effectively steer the organisation through the coming years. In particular critics suggest that its former role as Head of Purchasing for John Lewis was not sufficient preparation for leading a national self-regulatory organisation such as the ASA.
Dismissing these concerns, a spokesman said that coal - and this lump of anthracite in particular - has a long-standing reputation for reliability and that the Authority remains fully in support of the appointment. And in any case, the spokesman went on to say, the only other candidate was a strip of damp lettuce, and that really wouldn't have been acceptable at all.
New Homes Online
The UK is experiencing a deepening housing crisis due, in part, to the lack of affordable homes. The private sector favours high-end property developments, in which profits can be maximised, and new social housing projects fail to get off the ground due to lack of funds and whiney not-in-my-backyard types who froth at the mouth and tell you that the country is being overrun by foreigners, which they know for a fact because last week they saw someone who looked a bit swarthy buying avocados in Tesco's.
But a solution may at last have been found, with an innovative plan to build new homes online. "We have yet to fully realise the potential of cyberspace, " said government spokesman Gary Panic, speaking from his office on the fourth floor of a USB flash drive in Whitehall. "But with cloud storage being relatively cheap it offers a near limitless quantity of virtual real estate on which to build affordable family homes. It's the perfect solution: it's free of the red tape and regulation that dogs building on traditional sites, and whole streets can be built quickly and cheaply simply by copying and pasting."
However, the idea is not as new as you might think. Some people still remember the tragic fate of Fortran-cum-Basic - a new town built in the '80s on a Commodore 64 and sadly lost forever in a power surge, despite being backed up on a Betamax video tape.
Artist's impression of Binary New Town
More Details Emerge of Vatican Intruder
Fresh details have been released regarding the local man who recently tried to infiltrate the Vatican. "His disguise was very nearly perfect," said a spokes-bishop. "His robes were spot on and he was intimately familiar with all our procedures and rituals. He only made one very tiny, but crucial mistake. You see, he disguised himself as the pope, which was a dead giveaway because we've already got one."
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