Fresh Allegations Against TV Star
The popular actor and entertainer Roly Winthorpe has said that he deeply regrets his behaviour after allegations came to light that he was an armed robber in the seventies and eighties. Mr Winthorpe, who had roles in Minder, Blake's Seven and Crossroads, and was a frequent guest on 3-2-1 and Fact Breakers, has been accused of holding up several small shops and post offices.
"Knocking off post offices was very much part of the culture in the seventies," said Mr Winthorpe's agent. "But of course, what was ok back then is not necessarily acceptable now. Roly grew up at a time when nicking stuff was part of everyday life and storming into a shop with a sawn-off shotgun was just considered high jinks. He now recognises that this behaviour was inappropriate. He is not that person anymore and is seeking help for his armed robbery habit."
Takeaways Hit by Persistent Squirrel Abuse
Many animals have been observed using tools in order to accomplish everyday tasks. For instance, the woodpecker finch uses a cactus spine as a spear to impale larvae, elephants modify branches to scratch themselves with and pandas can use power tools. But so far squirrels have proven to be unique in that they are the only animals that have been observed to use the internet.
Typically, squirrels use services like hungryhouse, Just Eat and Stuff-My-Face-Please to order up takeaways from local companies. They have a particular fondness for curries, with lamb pasanda being the number one choice. By and large, however, most businesses find their custom unwelcome.
"It's a real pain," one delivery driver told us. "The alarm bells start to ring when the address appears to be in the middle of nowhere. You end up walking through some creepy old woods, with these excited little shapes scurrying about on the edge of your vision and the feeling of beady little eyes all over you. When you get to the right tree, you ring the bell and a furry little bastard scampers down and sits there expectantly, cheeks puffed out in excitement, and you just think oh shit, not again.
"The worst thing is they expect to get away with paying you in acorns."
Hypnotic Wipes to Tackle Information Leakage
New data protection laws mean that any workers with access to sensitive personal information will be required to have their memories hypnotically erased upon moving to a new place of work.
"Every time somebody leaves an employer we run the risk of a massive data breach," said Emma Cryption from the Information Commissioner's Office. "Whether through carelessness or deliberate action, there is an ever-present danger that personal information, your personal information, could fall into the wrong hands. We can take measures to ensure that printed matter never leaves the workplace, we can ensure that passwords are updated and networks remain secure, but we've never been able to wipe the information stored in people's heads - until now."
Although traditionally considered unreliable, recent breakthroughs in the field of hypnotic suggestion mean that it is now considered a feasible way of preventing both conscious and subconscious information leakage. New legislation will soon make it mandatory in many professions and the Information Commissioner's Office is keen to provide reassurance.
"It's perfectly safe," said Mrs Cryption. "Admittedly, the techniques in use are very new and still a little rough around the edges. It's not as precise in targeting specific memories as we would like and occasionally other information can go missing, but there's really very little that can go wrong. In fact, as part of the ongoing trials I myself have been getting 'hypnotically wiped' every Friday evening for the last few months and apart from forgetting my PIN number, my passwords, my wedding anniversary, my mother's birthday, my email address, my husband's name and where live, there's really been no problem at all."
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