Paper Mammoth
Scientists attempting to recreate a woolly mammoth have hit a snag. "We started at the feet," says Dr Susan Bones, "We made them out of papier mâché and chicken wire, but then we got stuck at the knees. We just don't seem to be able to get the knobbly bits right."
But Dr Bones' team is not the only one trying to resurrect a long-lost prehistoric creature, and her competitors have been less than complimentary. "These people haven't got a clue about basic animal biology and in my opinion they ought to leave this kind of thing to the experts," said Professor Gary Raptor, who made himself a stegosaurus out of Plasticine only last week.
Third Gear
At the recent Paris motor show Ford surprised everyone by announcing that it intends to remove third gear from all of its manual models sold in Europe.
"It has become increasingly irrelevant," said a spokesman. "Hardly anyone uses it; they just shift straight from second to fourth. And with newer models now coming with as many as six, seven or even eight gears, we find that we're desperately short of space on the gear knob."
Ford also says that it is considering removing indicators for much the same reason.
Expensive Toasters Reject Cheap Bread
Consumers are in uproar after the latest upgrade to Mopey Rickard's top-of-the-range Deluxomatic Toasti-Friend toaster means that the appliance will no longer work with cheap bread.
For many years now Toasti-Friend toasters have consistently come out top in consumer surveys and are an established brand leader in the luxury toaster category. But official Toasti-Friend sliced bread is usually on the expensive side so most owners have opted for cheaper alternatives. The practice has always been against Mopey Rickard's recommendations, their advice being that cheap bread can clog the toaster's precision slots and cause the devices to explode. Despite this warning the only incident on record turned out to have been down to crumpet misuse.
Now a firmware update that has been automatically installed by the manufacturer means that the posh toasters will only work with branded bread which contains an official ID chip. The company says that it has taken this step in the interests of its customers as the move will extend the life of the toaster. Their efforts might have been in vain, however, since some enterprising individuals have already found a way to circumvent the restrictions by hacking wholemeal and jailbreaking crusty baps.
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