Astrologers complain space hardware is damaging their profession
Astrologers from all over the world have joined together to call for restrictions on the number of man-made objects launched into space. Satellites, orbital platforms and space debris are having a profound effect on their sensitive calculations meaning that many seers are making predictions which are wildly incorrect.
"Everyone knows that astrology is a reliable and trustworthy art form, perfected over many years and basking in an unparalleled reputation for accuracy," said professional soothsayer the Great Visionista, alias Mrs Doreen Bucknall from Blackpool. "But science, in its brutal quest for knowledge, has ruined our livelihoods by filling the skies with hardware. Just recently, whenever I've tried to cast a chart for someone, I either get Sputnik rising in Capricorn or two communication satellites and a spent rocket booster interfering with the cusp of Sagittarius. No wonder I keep getting the lottery numbers wrong."
Such problems are now common with many practitioners, who claim that casting a horoscope in the twenty-first century is less about the vast cosmological clockwork that drives the planets on their infinite stately journey through the zodiac and more about what some bloke on the international space station has had for breakfast that morning. They are asking governments to agree to limit the amount of hardware they put into orbit in order to mitigate the damage that is being caused to the delicate strands of celestial influence which shape all our ends.
"If action isn't taken immediately there is a very real possibility that we could lose the ancient power of revelation once and for all," said Mrs Bucknall, who is offering a special two-for-one deal on prophesies this weekend. "And while we're about it," she added. "Can something be done about my neighbour's Wi-Fi? It's playing merry hell with my tarot readings."
Travelling Argument Breaks Record
Congratulations to Anthony Grease and his girlfriend Clara Goat who this week were recognised by the Guinness Book of Records for achieving the world's longest travelling argument. Anthony and Clara are well known characters in their home town of Newton-upon-Grime, where most of the inhabitants regularly hear them screaming obscenities at each other as they stagger home from the pub after closing time.
The distance from the local to their house is only about three quarters of a mile, but during particularly heated altercations they are able to greatly extend the ground they cover via various angry detours, backtracking or drunken meanderings. According to Guinness officials, retracing the route is a perfectly acceptable technique, but in order to qualify as a proper travelling argument the 'argue-ees' must maintain a constant stream of abuse, vitriol, angry outbursts and frustrated whining. Insults can be slurred but they must be shouted at a volume sufficient to wake residents at least three streets away.
Anthony and Clara are past masters at the form having been in a painful and acrimonious relationship for the past seven years. However, their record breaking effort was something special, clocking up an astonishing fourteen miles over the course of one evening as they wove erratically through the streets.
Man names crab in divorce proceedings
Petitioning for divorce in Shepton Bassett County Court yesterday, Mr Graham Pendulum named Snaps McKinley, a crab from Great Yarmouth, as the party involved in an adulterous affair with his estranged wife.
"She's always had this thing about seafood," Mr Pendulum told the magistrate. "For as long as I can remember there have been strange winkles and mussels sniffing around, and many's the time I've come home early from work to find the house smelling of lobsters."
Mrs Pendulum strenuously denied the implication that she had ever been profligate with molluscs but nevertheless admitted the affair, explaining that she had been driven to seek comfort in the arms of a licentious and manipulative crustacean by her husband's unreasonable attitude towards clams.
She also asked for several other shellfish to be taken into consideration.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2025, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
