Cadets Injured in Pillow Outrage
The US Military has responded promptly following an incident in which 24 cadets were injured when a pillow-fighting exercise went badly wrong. Hand-to-hand combat using soft furnishings forms part of basic training for all military personnel, along with non-lethal Chinese burns and strategic hopscotch. Usually the training sessions pass without major incident but on this occasion the pillowcases had been loaded with 'live' pillows at the last moment, in what senior officers believe was a deliberate act.
"These were clearly enemy pillows designed to cause maximum damage and distress," said Looooootenant Hyrum P Hackenthackerbacker. "We believe that this was the vanguard of a wave of terrorist bedding directed at our country by the enemies of freedom. Well, I have a message for all those who oppose the American way of life: we're still here, we're still proud and it will take more than a bunch of goddam extremist interior designers switching our bedclothes around to bring us to our knees."
This has been the first incident of its kind since one recruit died after choking on a cushion in 1987, and the US is taking no chances. They have already banned the importation of all quilts with a tog rating of 10 or over and tomorrow the White House is expected to announce that it will bring forward the full deployment of the US Navy's fleet of laser-guided mattresses.
The Wild Wild Web
Concerns are growing that huge areas of the internet could be under threat from developers if steps are not taken to curb commercial activity in the next few years. Much of the internet is wild and largely unexplored and, with very little legislation in place to protect it, unscrupulous enterprises are at liberty to plunder its resources and disfigure its natural beauty.
The damage has begun already. There are some domains that are already dangerously unstable due to uncontrolled data mining and insanitary conditions elsewhere have contributed to the spread of viruses and malware, making many sites virtually no-go areas.
"What we need to think about are our children," said tearful campaigner Georgina Modem, chief officer of the World Wild Wide Web Fund. "How will they surf the web when we've used it all up?" she bawled. "Will my unborn child be able to amble innocently along the information superhighway, free from cares and worries, or will there be nothing left but a fetid pit of clickbait, dodgy porn and videos of people opening packages? Oh please, won't someone think of the children!"
Metric Phone Numbers
An international agreement between major communications providers has agreed a timescale for the introduction of metric phone numbers. Although these have been used in a small number of proprietary internal switchboards, only imperial numbers are currently issued to users by telecommunication companies. To date there have been no major problems with this system, but as equipment is upgraded and fibre optics replace traditional cabling, there is a greater likelihood of incompatibility.
There is also another pressing reason for the change. The current range of imperial phone numbers is limited and as the telecommunications market grows it will soon outstrip demand. Metric numbers have a far greater range as they are able to accommodate a decimal point, and there is even a possibility that negative phone numbers could be used.
However, the changes will inevitably be met with resistance and some members of the public have already made their feelings known. "I don't hold with it," said one angry customer when we phoned and pestered him. "All my life I've been ringing up numbers in feet and inches. Now all of a sudden I've got to start using kilograms and litres and goodness knows what. Well, I think it's disgusting and I'm not going to do it. This is worse than when the weather went decimal."
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