Speedy Critters
Stuck for a last minute present this Christmas? Well, according to Speedy Critters, a national chain of pet stores, you couldn't do much worse than one of their discount doggies or cut price cats. They're cheap, they're fun and, what's more, they deliver themselves.
"We used to send all of our pets by Parcelforce, FedEx or one of the other major carriers," says company spokesman Harry Mange. "And quite frankly it was costing us a fortune. Then we hit upon an idea - seeing as most of these animals are perfectly capable of moving under their own steam, we thought that they may as well make their own way."
Mr Mange claims that all their puppies are capable of following basic directions and will present themselves at your front door within seven days of purchase. A snake will post itself through your letterbox and, as an added bonus, it will devour any junk mail it finds lying on your doormat. Parrots arrive by air mail.
"We've did have a bit of a problem with our cats," Mr Mange admits. "But since we agreed to pay their travel expenses they've been much more cooperative. You can rest assured that whatever pet you purchase - whether it's a goldfish, hamster or stick insect - it's guaranteed to arrive by the end of the week... Unless it's a tortoise, for which you should allow up to twenty-eight days for delivery."
The Johannesburg Hair Bank
Baldness is a worry for many men once they reach a certain age, triggering a desperate compulsion to try and preserve what little hair remains by whatever means necessary. And it's understandable. Baldness can make many men feel self-conscious and embarrassed. It can also make their heads more susceptible to water damage during heavy rain, and they are unable to wear hats because they slip off. And, of course, it doesn't help when random strangers in the street point and shout things like 'Baldy Baldy Slaphead' before running away. On reflection, perhaps I should stop doing that.
So baldness is a problem. If only there was some way to save up all the hair that grows so copiously in your youth, and use it again in your later years. Well now a company in South Africa enables you to do just that. The Johannesburg Hair Bank allows you to open an account when you're young, energetic and hirsute, from which you can make withdrawals when you're old, knackered and bald. The more you save, the longer your hair will be. Not only that, but your hair will also earn interest, tax-free.
At present the bank is not accepting new customers, but that is set to change soon and interested parties will be able to open an account with just a few clippings. For more information, write to:
The Johannesburg Hair Bank
Next to the Toenail Depository
Near the State Dandruff Library
Just Behind the Snot Emporium
Johannesburg
South Africa
Feng Shui for Farmers
Since taking the advice of a feng shui expert, Fergus Pong has noted a quite surprising rise in productivity at his Staffordshire farm. "This chap turns up one afternoon," Mr Pong told us. "Shifty looking feller, he were. Anyway, he says as how I can significantly increase my milk yield by lining up all my cows in an East-West direction."
Naturally, Mr Pong did what anybody would do when presented with such information. "Oh aye, naturally," he affirms. "I set the dog on him. You should have seen the daft bugger zig-zagging across the farmyard afore vaulting over a fence and landing in a pile of shit. Anyhow, once he'd piddled off, I thought I'd give it a go - you know, lining up the cows and that. Well, there was nothing on the telly and there was bugger all else to do."
To his surprise, Mr Pong found that milk production seemed to go up. Encouraged by this, he proceeded to apply the principals of feng shui to other areas of his business. He aligned his haystacks so as to channel natural streams of positive energy, identified the birth elements of all his chickens and put his pigs in a pyramid. And did it work?
"Nope," says Mr Pong. "But like I say, there was nothing on the telly and bugger all else to do."
Is your snake crumpled and bent?
At the North Yorkshire Centre for Alternative Pet Therapies, our specialist reptile osteopaths can untangle all manner of serpents, no matter how knotted up they might be. They can also manipulate your lizard, stretch your iguana or coax your tortoise out of its shell.
But it's not just your cold-blooded pets that we cater for. Our qualified professionals employ a wide range of alternative and complimentary therapies.
Do your sheep seem stressed and agitated? A Hopi ear candles session will remove harmless toxins, leaving them calm, clear-headed and only occasionally singed.
Are your chickens causing you concern? Madame Zaza will set your mind at rest by casting a full astrological chart and telling you what happens to eggs laid under the sign of the crab.
We also offer crystal healing for hedgehogs, aromatherapy for goldfish and our award-winning hypnotherapists can even regress sausages back to when they were pigs.
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